Okay listen up people. I am completely sick of the influx of “gold for cash” commercials on TV these days. Toronto television is beset with these low budget commercials depicting shady looking people urging you to come to their strip-mall outlets with your family memories in hand to get rich quick.<\/p>\n
The commercial for “Jewellery For Cash” (original, eh?) has an obese bald dude getting out of an 80’s Ferrari in front of his second story walk up store front,<\/em> emblazoned with “Cash for Gold” neon in the windows, while the voice over proudly offers loans up to (and I shit you not) “$1,000,000”. Okay first off, if they can offer that much, why are they in a commercial row-house, second floor office? Security for all that cash, I guess. And secondly, you’d think this guy could afford a tailor instead of a Sears XXXL t-shirt. By the way, isn’t it illegal to carry more than $100K out in public? How’s he going to get you $1M in cash? Under his shirt?<\/p>\n Second up was Sharkboy’s favorite, is Harold the Jewelry Buyer, where people gleefully confess their greedy desires after selling off their heritage to this dirty nailed, greasy midget. “I love my new TV!” shouts a gap toothed couch potato (it’s small). “We’re going on a cruise!” bellow a lonely housewife as her partner dances in an ugly Hawaiian shirt behind her. And the best scene: a bag laidened shopper is videoed in front of some mall stairway as she does the most awkward dance ever, while lamely shouting “Woo hoo.” I can only describe the lameness of it by saying imagine Rida Rutner<\/a> cheering and dancing. I’m sorry there’s no video to accompany this one because the best line (probably delivered by Harold’s off-the-boat Romanian mom) is “It was so easy. Now I’m ready to shop!” with “shop” coming out as “chop”, evoking zombie fantasies.<\/p>\n Third up is Buster’s Brampton where judging by the utter tounge-in-cheek directorial wetnoodleness of this video, the next budding Judd Apatow\/Kevin Smith is probably brewing right now. Slovenly, fat clerks promise “Maximum Cash!”<\/em> at the tops of their lungs as their guts flap in the breeze. Watch the chubby guy on the right at the beginning of this clip – he’s wishing there was a snack truck on this shoot:<\/p>\n