My Application

Dead Robot August 8, 2011 Gaming 2 Replies

BigSabu over on Twitter posted a curious job opening a couple days ago:

A Seasoned Explorer
NCsoft is looking for an experienced and daring adventurer to act as consultant for our Carbine Studios team on their top-secret project.

To be considered, the candidate must have:

·         Excellent cartography skills, especially on newly-discovered terrain

·         A healthy appetite for danger (or at least the desire to actively seek it out)

·         The ability to outrun something the size of a bear – or larger. Usually larger.

·         Experience being cryogenically frozen (This is a big plus).

Daily responsibilities include dramatically posing on mountaintops for snapshots, showing coworkers how to read maps, and motion capture sessions of being attacked by something the size of a bear (if you’re lucky).

So I went ahead and applied:

Good day to you Gentle Sirs and Ladies,

I am applying for the position of Seasoned Explorer listed on your internet web site. Look no further for I am the man who will lead you to fun and excitement and brand new worlds!

While I have extensive knowledge of map reading I know more than just to “Go left” when introduced to new terrain. You see, exploring new lands is like charming a fresh lover… a gentle hand, keen eye and a do-or-die attitude is needed to conquer foreign and dangerous mounds of land things. I have that experience and attitude.

Once, while leading an exploratory team into the long forgotten sunken caves of Soktuy-Milozan (you could lazily Google Maps that or I COULD SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS!) I became so turned around I had to rely on my own inner ear juice to survive. However with careful reasoning, a strong hand and fantastic jodhpur pants I was able to lead our party of Samantha Perkins Sewing Bee to safety. 30 Helens agree: I was a hero.

In terms of speed, I can outrun a swarm of killer bees. Just ask Michael Cane. I was his stand-in during the shooting of The Swarm. The director nearly dropped that hack actor to use me as their leading man but due to legal contracting they begrudgingly used Caine. And we all know how well that movie did with him at the helm. Fff!! Speaking of speed, it’s super important to have speed when considering a Seasoned Explorer – you need to be one step ahead of the competition or those bastards at “East Indian Exploration and Commerce” Company will outwit you on every turn. Bloody devils had me in a bit of a run on the Orient Express during the Adventure of the Misspelt Yetti. I had to pay off a baggage handler to dump their kit into a river. I WON!

In terms of being cryogenically frozen, I am your man. I’m from Canada. My skin is pretty much like a fine leather couch found in Starbucks. ‘Nuff said.

In conclusion, I am your man. That’s all I’ll say about that because time is of the essence. We need to move quickly or else the Ice Panthers of Tsuratuy (don’t look it up, let me take you!) will be raiding the base camp and we’ll have to sleep in the cold!

With affection

Sir Edward (Teddington) Healey

Wish me luck!

Falling Down

Dead Robot August 4, 2011 Distractions 1 Reply

So this past week has been busy…

In just under two weeks I’ve twice had to bump my AIDS Walk goal up to $2000 ($1000 to $1500 to…). So that is super awesome. Thank you again to all who have supported me! And you haven’t yet… what are you waiting for!?

On Sunday last weekend I did the most amazing fall at College and Yonge. I tripped on the corner, managed to not stumble into anyone waiting for the opposing light, and continued to stumble for at least a quarter mile. At least time slowed down enough to feel like I was stumblerunning a marathon. You know that feeling of “Shit. I know I’m going down in front a crowd of people. In public. Please. No pants pooping…” Well I did that.

It looked something like this…

Apparently I stumbled past SharkBoy and he later questioned the stupid fucking grin spread across my face as I tucked and rolled onto the ground.

I of course ended the land with a Steve-O style “Thumbs Up!” to the woman who shouted “Are you alright?” from 1000 yards away.

What else… Oh right. I’ll be at Re:Reading this Saturday from 11 to 1-ish in full Trooper kit, supporting Chris who made an incredibly generous contribution to my Walk. Bring your camera and buy a book/DVD/collectable. It’s a fun store!

Next week we’re having a garage sale where I’m selling off half my robots, books and other sundry. postbear will be shilling some things too. Deets to follow.

We’re less than 2 weeks away from our NYC/LAX/SFO vaykay! I’m obsessed with the NYC/LAX leg of the trip (which will only be 48 hours tops) purely because I can’t wait to stand in Times Square again. Love that space. The rest is pure poutine on top of found poutine.

SharkBoy has become obsessed with Instragram. His pictures on Flickr are amazing but run those pics through the cheap filters of yesteryear and they become sublime. Download it now and follow him.

So that’s me updated.

Indulge Me

Dead Robot July 31, 2011 General 1 Reply

If Sir Ridley/EA Games ever ran out of money and he decided to remake any of their past catalogue, I wouldn’t bemoan like a sweaty fanboy at all if they chose to resurrect this old game.

postbear sends me a link to DEAD END THRILLS – a site specific to art in video games. Particular attention to a long forgotten Blade Runner game made back in 1997. Great backstory of how the artwork was recovered from Jazz disks.

I have to say it looks gorgeous for a ’97 game, even if it’s a “click and hunt” game on 4 CDs. They got the atmospheres correct.

Auggie and Sass – One Year!

Dead Robot July 30, 2011 Personal Bits 2 Replies

Adorbz! The Twins had their first birthday today! Many cupcakes! Many fizzy drinks! Many more!!

Some pix below, full set here.

Troop Update

Dead Robot July 28, 2011 Queer stuff, Toronto, You Magnificent Bastard 3 Replies

I am utterly blown away.

You people have made me so very happy with your generous responses. Here I was all frightened that I wasn’t going to crest $500 and now I may have to increase my goal again.

As of this morning, I’ve jumped to the #9 spot in the top ten Individual walkers over on the Scotiabank AIDS Walk page. Within 6 days of signing up! With 56 days to go!

Thank you thank you thank you. I can’t say this enough.

If you’re up in Greektown during the Taste of the Danforth, come by Re:Reading around noon and get your picture taken with me in my armour! And buy a book, for god sake.

Brave, Proud and by the River

Dead Robot July 27, 2011 Queer stuff, You Magnificent Bastard 1 Reply

My mom sends me this link to my old home town newspaper: Brockvegas to hold it’s first ever Gay Pride Walk

Oh.

My.

God.

This has awesome written all over it. If you know Brockvegas (it’s really called Brockville, but due to my dislike for the little ‘ville, I call it something more flashy), then you know that it’s either very much old money or very much proletariat (the local WalMart actually scares me, it’s so rough), with barely any “middle class” in residence at all. So it will be curious to see how this plays out. I hid my sexuality and made a promise to myself that when I physically left Brockvegas (oh how many times did I “mentally” leave?) that I would truly start living my life the way I was suppose to do.

I’m really happy that this is happening.

Comments after the article are positive, but I love how most commenters are afraid that peacock feathers, makeup on dudes and assless chaps will be on display.

In time, Brockville… IN TIME!!

Still Has Terrible Aim, Though

Dead Robot July 27, 2011 Celebs and Media Leave a reply

Andrew Ainsworth has won the right to copy and sell the trooper design he created for Star Wars so many years ago. Arguing that the costume he created was “functional” (functional prop, I guess) and not an artistic piece has won his appeal with British high courts. Also helping his argument is that the UK rights have lapsed after 15 years, so the law is allowing him to copy and sell the helmets, but only in the UK. However, his online business of creating copies has been found in violation of copyright law within those 15 years.

Still, it’s kind of cool that the armour is now in the public domain over there.

Via BoingBoing

Birfday Swag!

Dead Robot July 25, 2011 You Magnificent Bastard 8 Replies

I’ve had a nice birthday, thank you very much! 46 has come and my husband proves that he’s the master for gift giving.

Here’s what I got:

Starting in the upper left corner, going clockwise: Star Wars Sandtrooper, Eeyore (every line he had in the latest Winnie the Pooh movie was funny, which I found funny ironic funny), issue #1 of Kevin Keller (yes, the gay character come to Riverdale), a t-shirt of issue #1 of Star Wars comic (which I owned and somehow lost over the years… $ob!) and in the middle there, a beautiful INTUOS Wacom tablet. I’m gonna draw again, bitches!

Funhouse

Dead Robot July 25, 2011 Distractions 2 Replies

When I was a kid, say about 9 years old or so, I was begrudgingly taken to a extremely rural country fair by my best friend’s dad. The Conklin ones, where the ride operators seem like the movie “Carnival of Souls” was a documentary about them.

I say “begrudgingly” because the man was never really a “dad” let alone a competent parent. On our way there I was sitting behind him in the back seat, driver side, with all the windows open. Without comment, he dug his finger into his nose, two knuckles deep and removed a nugget that would have made Zha Zha Gabor drool. That is, if boogers were diamonds, of course.

He flung said nugget out the window.

Said nugget then landed on my arm. I gag. I pinch back a girly scream. I flick it out the window. And I will never forget seeing his eyes in the rear view mirror – blazing with “Yeah. I did that!” kind of response. He knew it landed on me and yet didn’t apologize.

Flash forward to the park itself. I think my parents might have given him some money for my rides and food, but fine fairground dining never materialized. However, he did manage to snag some beers somewhere later that day…

My friend insisted that we go into the haunted house. You know the fun house kind of trailer, decked out with garish gargoyles painted on the outside, while inside is a maze so dark that if anyone were to turn the lights on full, would show nothing but greasy face prints all over the walls. At the time, not ever been on one of these rides, I had no clue what to expect. I was scared and needed about 10 minutes of encouragement to just step up the stairs. My best friend bailed on me well into the 7th minute of his father berating me in front of the ever expanding crowd around the entrance to the ride.

Eventually I found the courage and wandered into the dark hallway. Ahead of me, two teenage girls slowly walked, engulfed into the dark. Suddenly they screamed such a scream that I stopped stalk still. Fear gripped me so hard that I was unable to move which resulted in people piling up behind me, blocking the flow into the fun house.

I stood there crying. It was all I could do.

After a time, getting shoved around by strangers in the dark cramped hallway, a meaty hand grabbed me from behind and led me out through the entrance. My best friend’s dad had “rescued” me and I spent the rest of the day by the entrance of the fair until my “best” friend and his dad were done at the fair.

I realize after typing all this out that it sounds a bit like a downer, and yes it was at the time, but now I look back and laugh, like a good scary carnival ride is meant to do. Only it’s 37 years late.

I’ve only been in one fun house since then – at Universal Studios, where there was a guy in a werewolf mask who took a shining to SharkBoy after scaring the pants off us. Twice. I’ll stick with rollercoasters for now.