In response to yesterday’s Poll.

I thought long and hard about this because SharkBoy expresses his hate so much better than I. I like to think I’m a patient, understanding and kind person and Hate doesn’t live in my heart.

Read: I’m a passive aggressive pussy that doesn’t have a spine to stand up to things that piss me off.

I relaxed my brain and let the first thing I hated come to mind. When it came, I rejected it because it was too easy. Like doing a Seinfeld accent while complaining about airline food. But after my walk to work this morning and having to endure yet another onslaught of the thing I hate the most, I decided that yes, I cannot deny my anger towards-

Smokers.

You people are the lowest form of humanity, if you can consider yourselves human. If I could encompass you into a race, I’d be the leader of the KKK for anti-smokers. I’d be burning Nicorette crosses on your fucking butt-covered lawns. You people literally suck… the life from the rest of us.

photo by pheyblom

I get behind you when I’m out doors and watch you litter without remorse by throwing your butts into the street. “But they’re biodegradable!” I hear you wheeze through stained teeth. Unless they disappear within 12 hours then they’re “biodegradable” – which they’re not. I’d love to dump every single butt you dirty slags ever put carelessly onto the streets and magically transport them to just under your sheets in your bed. Maybe then you’ll get the message as to how dirty collectively you’re making the city. As I suffer through your clouds of stinky, carcinogenic breath, I walk fast to get past your thoughtless mass, I’m usually met with another one of your kind, blissfully unaware that you’re being dirty, ugly, repugnant.

Despite the city putting up millions of OUR dollars worth of new garbage cans that assist in the problem of YOUR waylaid butts, you still manage to carelessly dirty these costly cans. I watched yesterday as a trio of smokers butted out by jabbing out their sticks on the shiny new plastic top of a fresh can instead of the metal plate provided. Yay black burns on plastic! This is why we can’t have New Things.

As an example of how utterly clueless you lazy, thoughtless smokers are, let’s look at the successive laws being generated around saving our government billions of dollars in health costs. Actually I mean “making Ontario healthier” when internally I’m thinking “saving you from yourselves while protecting me from your patulous cloud of dirty, uncontrollable self destructive behaviour”. Toronto, in it’s infinite wisdom has regulated smokers to the sidewalks – no smoking in any enclosed space. Ta Da! Now we find Mad Men quaint! Enclosed dwellings are now free of yellowy stains and lingering ass smell!

What? You say these gaseous Chimairas are hanging around the front doors too much, leaving their butts on the ground around a doorway and subsequent foot traffic transporting butts/smoke into the building? Let’s make a law! No standing around a door and smoking! Ta da! Problem solved. Stop your child-like whining.

Speaking of kids…oh my goodness! Now they’re smoking in their cars! With KIDS! The swift hammer of justice comes down and faboom, we now have a law. The children are safe! Here, let me text that while your lungs clear.

Can’t you dumb assed idiots see you’re being regulated out of existence? For a reason?

“But I can’t stop,” I hear you whine as you haul your ass into a convenience store to point at a binder that legally has to stay closed for the sake of the children, so you can purchase cigarettes from behind a blackened wall. And yet you complain about this like we’re treating you like porn deviants?

Fuck. You. You. Lazy. Fuck. If my mom can stop after close to 65 years of smoking, then you can too. Here’s the reason why.

Look, if you want to kill yourself, please, go right ahead. But do us all a favour and don’t involve me or inconvenience me at all in your deathwish. Clean up after yourself and stop being such slobs.

Thank you and goodnight!