Dead Robot: I friggin hate people!
Sharkboy: Uh oh. Sounds like you need a time out. Come with me. Okay what’s wrong?
DR: I’m on the streetcar, right? I’m making my way to the back of the car and when I pass the rear doors, headed for a seat, this child… this larve, no older than 4yrs, drops her ice cream cone on my foot. On my dress shoes!
SB: An accident…
DR: Sure. Whatever. I’m not pissed at that. (Good lord! That catcus is tall!)Â So I look at the mom and she’s got a bag of McDonalds food in her hand and she won’t make eye contact with me. She insteads hands the kid some fries so she wont start bawling. I ask her if she has any extra napkins in her bag for my shoe.
SB: And?
DR: She says no! Their hers!
SB: Really?
DR: She won’t give me any! I hear someone tell her that she really should give me a napkin and she ignores them. Meanwhile other people are walking past us getting on and off and they’re stepping in the melting ice cream. She’s offering no reaction.
SB: You should have said something.
DR: I didnt want to wind up on someone’s blog making me look like some battling road rage wrestler.
SB: Curious. When life imitates blogs imitating life from blogs…
DR: How astute. I was too upset to really say anything after that. And typically middle class to get verbally angry. I did want to get up and wipe my shoe on the kid as they left but that would ensure the escalation of the situation, just like the bike courier.
SB: Get a picture of me doing *this*!
DR: But it doesn’t end there. I get off and go to this crummy battery store on Dundas and Church to see if they have any motherboard batteries for my Mac at work. While the guy was sorting through his stock looking for my battery, some dude comes in and impatiently yells over my shoulder “CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION WHILE YOU WORK?” The clerk stops what he’s doing and says “Sure.” They start talking about replacing cell phone batteries while I stand there waiting. After the fourth stupid question from this guy (“You mean YOU will replace the battery? Not me?”) I extend my hand without a word and eye my dead battery. The clerk hands me the battery and says “Sorry!” while the other guy is still asking questions. This city is becoming so self centred its scary.
SB: What is wrong with people?
DR: I don’t know. This city is becoming a free for all in manners. (deep breath) Hey. It’s nice in here. Good lord. Look at this cactus!
SB: Did you see that guy at the door? He had the largest holes in his ears I have ever seen. They had large metal hoops on the inside of the holes and he put two 6G rings inside those hoops!
DR: I bet he sets off alarms at the airport. I thought the whole body modification thing was over?
SB: Apparently not. I want to get a tattoo of a bear on my back.
DR: Just an outline like your others, or a tonal drawing?
SB: Outline, I think, pretty much like the rest of them.
DR: You’re hooked on that show Miami Ink, aren’t you?
SB: A bit. I like trying to see where they are located and compare it to places where we were when we went on the cruise.
DR: Out of the whole cast, which one is the hottest?
SB: I’ve moved from the lead bald guy to the little bearish guy with glasses who barely says anything.
DR: I like the sneaker obsessed guy. The only one with real facial hair. And I like how they show a flash of bap every so often.
SB: Bap?
DR: English slang for “boob”. But in this show’s case, man boobs or butt cheeks.
SB: Yeah its hot.
DR: (Paris Hilton-like) Thats hot. Hey. What’s “nasturtium”?
SB: Its from the watercress family.
DR:… how… how did you know that?
SB: I just Googled it.
DR: (Pause. Stare. Headshake. Moves on.) Ah. It’s lovely in here. Well I feel better. I can’t wait until we live together and we can afford a car. One that kills the enviroment and gets keyed by bike couriers.
SB: I don’t care what we get, really. I only have one demand and that is the new car can hold all our camping equipment.
DR: I agree. We should get a jeep or something butch. Something we can take the doors off and drive around like morons with music blaring.
SB: How about something practical and efficient and less harsh on the enviroment?
DR: Screw the enviroment! What has the enviroment ever done for me?
SB: It’s 6C outside at the end of January. Isn’t that enough?
DR: Good point. As a Canadian, I don’t mind this global warming stuff too much. I should thank you for driving your SUV for all those years.
SB: Do you feel better?
DR: I’m calmer. Is $2 enough for a donation to the Gardens?
SB: Sure. Lets go home and eat chips.
SB: How’s this?
SB: Get a picture of me right here!
SB: Thing is, any director could have done this movie. There wasn’t much “Cronenbergism” in it.
DR: Agreed. Cronenberg seems to be just like Wes Craven doing Red Eye. Kinda meatless, but there is something good there.
SB: Sure but I didn’t buy it that he was this nerdy goody goody and then switch over to a violent kid so quickly.
SB: How about the Yorkdale Mall Food Court?
DR: My Dad’s boyfriend’s store. It was called “Francois” and it sold plaster columns and angels. Tchatchkas, really. Once, back when Steven Sabados was doing CityLine segments, he came into the shop and threw so much hideous attitude at me that my spine snapped and I was admitted to “The Shelly Long Institute for Reaffirming Life’s Goodness” for a week. Chris Hyndman was with him and he was very nice. We chatted and Chris had an approachable personality.
SB: Lets go in here!
SB & DR: (breathing in the basement store air at the door threshold) Ewwwww!!
SB: Its almost time to get to 
