Good bye Shure, no longer will I drag your brick-heavy microphone/operations dongle around, making my earbuds slip out of my head at the slightest movement. No. It’s over between us. I now banish you to my computer at work for drowning out co-workers listening to music. It’s over between us.

Do these fake tattoos make me look like a douche?

See, I’ve met someone new. He’s the Motorola S9-HD Bluetooth wireless stereo headset and I’m having a threesome with it and my iPhone. The S9-HD is amazing. Oh Shure, I can now walk through crowds now without fear of catching your old bulky cord on things and ripping my ears from my head. The S9-HD provides me with the sound quality you did, Shure, but with less pain. Your in-the-ear buds use to give me headaches from the bulk of them being jammed in my ear canal, plus I was always pushing you back in when you slipped out, like when I was chewing food or working out. Not any more. My S9-HD’s stay snug on the outside of my ear canal yet still provide the deep bass that I crave so much.

Commitment, you say? Oh I’ve heard that you have to keep S9-HD awkwardly near the back of your neck to get a clear connection (it says so on the box!) but I didn’t have any problems while on the eliptical machines at the gym or with my iPhone in a side pocket in my napsack gymbag or cargo pants. Yes, there was some outdoor stuttering but if you turn off the iPhone’s WiFi or go into Airplane Mode altogether, that eliminates that. And those pesky email/phonecalls that disrupt your listening pleasure! More uninterrupted together time! Location Services and try shutting that down, but best to try a hard reboot (home and hold buttons)

Video playback has been curious. The transmission to the headphones makes sound unsync ever so slightly but it’s not entirely distracting. If your headphones experience that stuttering mentioned above, the sound goes wildly out of sync making playback look like a bad Bollywood dub.

Oh sure, S9-HD isn’t without his faults. He’s not entirely compatible with the iPhone, but it seems to be the phone’s fault. Only a small handful of people can get full functionality of the FF/REW buttons, but it’s on Apple’s to-do list of updates. Hopefully. We’ve got it all except the FF/REW buttons: pause, volume and phone answer all work ok. Shure, you never gave me volume and that’s why I strayed I guess. The S9-HD’s microphone is a bit hush and picks up all sorts of ambient noise since it’s not near your mouth, but when a call comes in you are able to switch, onscreen, between headphones, speakerphone or handset. Nifty intuitive coding!

On the iPhone part of this threesome, running the Bluetooth tuckers out the battery pretty fast. I drained it within 4 hours of near constant use with just WiFi turned off (I’m on a year old iPhone 3G). I have charged the phone three times since getting the S9-HD and the headset only once. Curious glitches turn up when playing a couple games – I was getting both game sounds and iPod functions on a couple apps which wasn’t happening with you, Shure earbuds. And of course, I experienced a frozen screen once but I chalk that up to a poor, overloaded processor.

I think S9-HD and I are going to have a long happy relationship. If you see us on the street, please don’t be jealous, Shure. We had a good run.

Update: With the iPhone 3.1 update, nothing has changed. Still no FF/REV, just pause, volume and rudimentary phone functions (did you know if you click and hold the phone button, it will automatically call the last number dialed? Who knew?)

About three weeks ago my Shure iPhone earbuds stopped functioning. I could still hear music ok, no issues there, but the pause/answer call/forward/backward button suddenly became a large unusable knob on the earphone wire. I replaced the headphones with other iPhone jacks and still nothing.

I tried the #1 popular “reset earbuds solution”: insert and remove the jack swiftly 5 times and nada.

I even restored from a fresh OS download, etc. Nothing. By this point it’s a hardware issue, somewhere within the iPhone. I take it to the Genius Bar at Apple.

The counter at the Apple store is the most chaotic yet civil mess of human activity I’ve ever experienced. People wander around the counter like plankton to sunlight, yet there is no discernible line to the cashiers. While I’m getting asked if I’m in line for purchases, I’m wedged between a woman with a sick MacBook Pro and someone with a dead 16G white iPhone. And I mean wedged. I’m sideways on to the counter while the Sick MacBook lady has to stick her knees into my personal space due to the “Bar” not having space for human legs. Apple design sometimes isn’t human. Thankfully the customer service is excellent.

After explaining the above to the Genius, she instantly takes out her trusted paper clip and gets to work. All Apple employees have one on their lanyards. Have a looky see next time you go in. The lowly unbent paper clip is the universal screwdriver, CTRL-ALT-DEL and a spoonful of sugar to Apple techs. Is there nothing it can’t do to an Apple product?

I digress. She takes the paperclip to the earphone socket like Julia Childs whisking a bowl of eggs. As she does, I’m eerily reminded of times when my father would painfully dig into my ears with his perfectly manicured nails and haul out gobs of wax just to show me the importance of good ear hygiene.

And then I think: “gunk”.

Holy shit there’s gunk in my headphones socket and these two people on either side of me are going to know I put my iPhone in inappropriate places…

“Does Apple cover …gunk?” I offer.

“Oh sure. You’d be amazed at what we have to clean out sometimes.”

“I bet keyboards are the worst,” offers the woman with the MacBook. The Genius helping her smiles without looking up. His non-look alludes to unspoken horrors. He’s seen things that would make Chuck Norris cry like a baby.

I get my iPhone handed back to me in perfect working order.

“So, a paperclip? And lots of digging? What about using an air can?”

“Don’t use those compressed air cans in the earphones canal. You can void the warranty because they generate water when they blow.”

Lesson learned.