Category Archives: Distractions

Sulky Girl

Distractions

Looking at my stats brought up a few hits on sulky so I wandered off into the web and followed links to the OHRA’s harness racing website that taught me a new term: The device that the jockey sits in, in a harness race is called a Sulky. Who knew?

I loved the site graphics, which reminded me of a cross of John K of Ren and Stimpy fame, and UPA, the 50s/Flintstone style. After looking around a while, I learned even more: how to bet at a track, which always confused me. When I lived in England or when I watch Coronation Street, it was a mysterious lifestyle to see the curtained-off betting shacks with motor mouthed announcements mumbling out of the doorway. Now I know what they were doing in there, which, to my surprise, wasn’t pornographic at all.

The fastest way to learn how to wager was to sign up and play a free game or two on their Flash horse race game, which I realize that it’s like getting digital crack from a virtual dealer: the first one is free, click here now! I chose to be Marco, the bald, cigar-chomping, Italian mobsteresque stereotype and started to bet my free $100 away.

Disclaimer: there’s no actual gambling on the site, it’s just a gateway drug to get you to the race tracks, conveniently listed in the “character’s favorite place” to gamble.

The process is explained step by step and I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the artist here: Sir/Madam, I love your horse design. Especially this one: Propaganda. I felt an immediate attachment and promptly bet $50 on her.

And lost it in seconds.

That’s what I get for betting on looks.

The only downside on the site I have to mention here is that the sections: History, Ask A Question, The actual Flash horse game, Locations, Jockey info and the Member’s Log in (Check out the utterly bizzare Ron and Don at home videos) are all Mystery Meat Navigation: You don’t know what you’re clicking on until you get there. I had to click on each of the “characters” to get to each section which makes for a confusing first visit. But explore. It’s worth a good few moments in your cube.

*apologies to Robert Palmer for the title swipe.

Summer’s Last Gasp Pt2

Celebs and Media, Distractions

Continuing on with my Summer’s End post, the movie Blindness caught my eye (oh the jokes just keep on coming at Dead Robot Heavy Industries).

I have to admit that Julianne Moore has been on my “oh my god I hope her career is tremendous and full of really great work!” radar since I first saw her in Safe, but in the last 5 years she’s made some questionable decisions (koff koff Next koff koff The Forgotten koff Laws of Attraction keff kuff hek) only to be replaced with amazing parts, like The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio (god who thought of that memorable title?) or like Julia in Children of Men (blink during the really fake ping pong ball trick just before her death – such a crappy cgi gimmick should not have been in there to distract from her death).

Curiously enough, the screenplay is by Canadian Don McKellar, mostly know for hipster projects like Road Kill, Childstar, and the Tony award winning The Drowsy Chaperone . I’m curious to see how he’s handled José Saramago’s novel since he’s been in apocalyptic territory before with his 1998 Sandra Oh sci-drama Last Night. Oh and he was in TV’s Robocop for an episode, but so was my brother so I won’t mention that one, but it’s nice to know he’s dabbled in respected science fiction, so there’s some promise there.

Combine all that with the director, Fernando Meirelles (City of Men, The Constant Gardener), I have a feeling it’s going to be a smart movie. Like Gattica, but without the nice clothes.

Epoch – A MiniBook Expo Review

Celebs and Media, Distractions, Hobbies

Epoch
By Timothy Carter
courtesy of Flux
Part of the MiniBook Expo for Bloggers (sign up now!)

Vincent is a worried pre-teen. He’s disqualified from the school science fair for helping with his best friend’s project as his devout brother hands out unsolicited religious pamphlets in front of his own display. Meanwhile the loathsome rich kid’s booth is rocking the fair with high end computer graphics and live actors. To top it all off, he’s just seen an apocalyptic elf hiding under a table.

Epoch accounts the last two days of life on earth and Vincent’s attempt to save as many souls as he can in the process. Ironically, hindering his challenge is his family, whose fundamentalists beliefs require that they spend their time shunning mostly everything. Carter has created an almost Pythonesque religion that, if it were real, I’d pay $1000 to see how it was created:

Vincent’s family were Triumvirities, a new branch of Christianity that had popped up fairly recently in the spiritual marketplace. Triumvirities believed that three characters from the bible – Jesus, Moses and Abraham – had banded together to produce a text that spelled out the definitive version of God’s divine plan for the universe.

Fortunately for us, Vincent has been questioning that of late which allows him to see the aforementioned elf. This mystery gives him an excuse to go talk to his secret crush, Chanteuse, ex-babysitter and local hippie, about other belief systems, and is introduced to a world where elves, pixies, demons and other fantastic beings roam hidden from sight. It’s then he learns that humanity has reached it’s epoch and needs to be cleansed of the earth by indestructible demons. Unless he can get his old and new friends and unwilling family to a hidden Portal Site, all will be eaten in demon feeding frenzy.

This is my first YA (young adult) book I’ve read since cracking open Lemony Snicket book to read to my niece about 9 years ago, and before that, Heinlein’s Have Spacesuit Will Travel, back in the early 70s. I have to say, YA books have become a hell of a lot more sophisticated and pointed since I remember them. With nods to a certain coming of age boy-wizard, this is a streamlined, cartoony, less-subtle Golden Compass kind of adventure. Epoch races to the end of the world at a speed that post video game addicts can appreciate. It’s skillfully written with word plays, reversal phrasing and clear action that makes it a good read.

However (cue ominous organ music)…

The rebellious theme that makes teen writing enjoyable for it’s pubescent audience is there, but in Epoch it seems to be laughable contempt for organized religion, while maintaining that your own beliefs and the beliefs of the ones you love are to be preserved at any price. Ironic? Yup. Funny ironic? Sort of. It didn’t anger me, but it did make me wonder if I was too old to get it. I found I was cringing at how Carter uses the convictions of others as a joke: Vincent’s family are repeatedly seen as finger pointing zealots who spend their weekends praying and protesting. Amazingly, Vincent never loses his love and acceptance for his family’s behaviour (though not without mild grumbling) while they constantly berate him for his religious disobedience. It’s a device seen repeatedly in Harry Potter (there, I said it!) which I felt was used a bit too much in both books. I’d recommend Epoch to a kid who wasn’t at all religious or mildly agnostic, but I would do so with a disclaimer that it was satire. One other moment I found questionable was this bizarre slang choice (I realize I’m nitpicking a seat-of-their-pants teen fantasy/adventure novel that makes me sound like an old coot – get off my lawn) I wonder why Carter chose “bum” instead of “butt” or “rear end” whenever a character fell on their ass, yet allowed the slur “jerkwad”, a clear reference towards a villainous character equaling an unexpected masturbatory result.

That’s pretty much the only disputable stuff I would alert a parent to, within the book, if I felt the need to. But I’d probably not. At 14, kids are already using the word “shit” in reference to the chores you give them.

While researching this book I discovered a curious fact that Flux is owned by Llewellyn, a 100+ year old Midwest publishing company dedicated to “alternative health and healing, astrology, earth-based religions, shamanism, Gnostic Christianity and Kabbalah”, so the fact that they can publish a book that pokes fun at their own core beliefs, makes me like the book more.

I give it a mystical 4 out of 5.

Summer’s Last Gasps Pt1

Celebs and Media, Distractions, iPhone

What would sexy Jesus do?

Put on a play! And not just any play, but Hamlet 2, a Homer Simpson-esque sequel to the great tragedy featuring time travel, music and Staying Alive fog machine dancing.

Look, summer is winding down. You’ve seen the Bat Man, you’ve shopped at Buy N Large, you’ve met your Waterloo, you’ve ignored that X file on your desk, you wept like a child at their mother’s death bed as Indy watched the UFO leave South America (Why!!? WHY???). The excitement is winding down. What’s to do now?

The trailer alone had me laughing more than any trailer (or movie…?) I’ve seen so far this year. No surprise, really: it has Catherine Keener finally getting work; a cameo from Amy Poehler; a title card that proudly announces it’s from the writers of South Park (songs, hopefully!); Steve Coogan, who is poised to be the next indy Brit break out, Ed Broadbent-style, on US soil; The Gay Men’s Chorus of Tuscon; and a “needle across the record screech” moment: “reintroducing Elizabeth Shue as Elizabeth Shue”, who has actually been working, you just haven’t seen anything she’s done since Hollow Man.

Hell, any excuse to see Jesus dance and hopefully get SharkBoy to stop singing Hairspray songs around the house, and I’m there.

Insurable

Distractions, Personal Bits, Travel

With all the gadgets in the house I started to get a bit edgy about the cost of replacing them if (god forbid) some street bacteriophage got it into their heads to enter into our home, touch things and then leave with said things. It adds up after a while and would take a while to add it back up.

Last night I saw an ad for E-insurance where regular folk turn into animated cartoons and do all sorts of fantastical things like fly, save trees, jump, fly, swim great distances, um… fly… and just be cartoony. Unfortunately E-insurance was unable to turn these people’s voices into professional cartoon voice actors which made the whole ad seemed flat and gimmicky. But I was impressed with that “one stop shop” for insurance.

Quick! To the internet!

And lo and behold, there is a Canadian version called Kanetix, a one stop shop site that is blistering with information. Not an entirely ugly site, it seems rather “Government of Canada” kind of vibe, in the sense I can trust it (no animated “Welcome!” gifs, like the previous campground post…). So I start to look around and I’m suitably impressed within moments. Beyond all the features you’d expect, it’s got dynamic forms that morph to your responses. To me, that says “smart!” and “we have money!” so already I feel at ease using the site. Ooh look! The Postal Code swaps out lower case for upper case text! Keen!

I start with Travel Insurance, since we’re going to Saugatuk, MI soon. I may be bitten by a moose. you never know. So I punch in some facts, some figures and hit submit. BAM! Faster than oh say… crappy AVIS car rental site, I get ascending pricing of about 8 quotes. I’m still reeling at the speed. I guess insurance servers aren’t as clogged as car rental sites. Anyway, two options from there: Call to buy, buy online. Snazzy!

I’m intrigued now: on to home insurance. Area code… date of birth… couple personal questions… You can imagine my tounge is poking just outside my mouth as I type all this. Oh and imagine I’m humming too. That would be nice. Right. Fire plug question… easy… couple inches from the front door… Fire hall location… Real close. Wish it was closer, hubba hubba… What? Ok. Click, no thank you, sure, no, ha! ok, sure click, and CLICK! Hey presto. Ooo a 4 second wait this time, which warranted a pop up window that barely had time to load and boom! 2 quotes for an annual fee with quote reference number. Hm! Reasonable.

Just the act of searching for insurance makes me feel responsible. More adult.

Then I ask myself real quick: Am I getting old?

The other voice in my head, the one that says “Don’t stand naked by the window nearest to the TTC stop” says real quick: “Not old. Just smarter!” My chest puffs out.

I show this to SharkBoy and without a bat of an eyeball, says “We’re already insured through my work. You married into it.”

Oh. Well.

Can I get an animated version of myself then?

Tacky Website? Must be Gay

Distractions, Hobbies, Travel

Why are all the gay campsites we looked into for Long Weekend so incredibly hideous?

Well it’s bitter time here at Dead Robot Industries! I’m going to review them and hopefully give you, dear readers, insight as to why gay campsite websites are uglier than drag queens left out in the rain. (SFW means Ok to open. MNSFW means “maybe not safe for work” – Stay out of the “Gallery” sections. NSFW means don’t open it at work, ok? Just don’t)

The Cedars (SFW)
What? A nice layout? A picture that doesn’t shy away from showing the camp area? Photos that are up to date and actually show people having fun? Google Earth map link? On every page? I’m in shock! Oh wait. The Event’s page is fucked – I knew it was too good to be true. Clicking on a date gets you nothing. Nice that they have a Forums and a Guestbook right out there for all to see – very Web 2.0.

It gets a 4 out of 5. No crap and no animated gifs makes me want to visit!

Campit Resorts (SFW)
Okay first off: Frameset: the “Blink” tag of page layout. The Gallery page link at the bottom of the home page frame is dead so click away all you like, however the Gallery link in the nav bar frame leads to images 3 years old. Take that as you will. Table on the right side with the border set to “2”. Classy! The map is in the “links” section and buried within the About page. Whatever that means. I would think that you’d want your guests to find you easy.

To it’s credit, the site is packed with lots and lots of info (I dare to say “dense”). Other than the riot of things going on, I’d have to say I feel comfortable scooting around this site, but the layout is brutal. I’ve been to Campit, and I can say that the website is like your crazy cousin you don’t talk about: nice to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live with it.

I give it 3.5 out of 5. Lose the frameset.

Rainbow Ridge (SFW but rainbowy)
I… ah… oh god… My eyes… I’m blind… I feel sick! Okay enough. You get it. Like an aluminum bat to the bridge of your nose, we’re treated to rainbows on black throughout with white centred text that dissapears as you read on into the flag colours. Ow. Non-tiling backgrounds. Classy!

The site is entirely in long form: nothing in point form to quickly identify what you’re looking for. The photo gallery is a little app that pops up microscopic pictures of other people’s tents, with barely any of the facilities. Hrmmm… And what would a gay campsite website be without it’s own section dedicated to “dancing” (which explains their rec hall – isn’t that a “facility” feature?). The reservations form looks like it was laid out by Robin Williams on a cocaine bender. The Events section proudly announces no new events, sealing my non-desire to spend the $5 to use their rec hall.

I give it 1 out of 5. It makes me want to visit only to see if they’ve painted the trees rainbow colours.

The Hillside (MNSFW)
Oh another black and rainbow motif. How clever. Okay people there’s a lot of stuff to get through here so lets… No… Wait. It’s crap, you know that just by the home page. I’ll save you the trouble and just jump right to the batshit crazy:

Houseboy Needed!
TO APPLY send an e-mail with the requested information & picture(s)…
A slim GWM between the heights of 5’4″ to 5’11” is a plus. This doesn’t mean men with other physical descriptions won’t be considered, however height and weight are important.

Include work and personal qualifications including age, height, weight and full physical description. A photo is a must.

…it’s faster to reply by clicking on the button below to send an e-mail that includes complete qualifications (note above) and photo(s) if possible.

THE MORE INFORMATION YOU CAN PROVIDE THE BETTER.

One word: Yikes.

But it gets more batshit as you go deeper: on the Camp Map and Security Section:

HILLSIDE CAMPGROUNDS DOES NOT INCLUDE A CAMP MAP ON ITS WEB SITE FOR SECURITY REASONS. HILLSIDE’S OWNER DOESN’T WISH TO SHARE SUCH INFORMATION WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT AT CAMP. ANYONE WHO VISITS HILLSIDE CAN SEE A HAND-DRAWN MAP IN THE REGISTRATION OFFICE. HILLSIDE IS A VERY LARGE CAMP WITH MORE THAN THREE MILES OF ROADS WITHIN ITS GATES. WE INVITE YOU TO VISIT HILLSIDE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CAMP’S LAYOUT.

Uh. Okay. If I want to visit, I guess I just use a psychic tuned to batshit crazy? Where the fuck is the logic in that? What the hell happened that the owner doesn’t want to divulge to new clients where to spend their money?

0 out of 5. As inviting as going to a creepy, sweaty co-worker’s halloween party by yourself.

Through the Mail Slot

Distractions, Robots

Rushed morning. Upon leaving the apartment and hoofing it down the hallway stairs to the front door, SharkBoy finds an envelope at the foot of the mail slot:

Creeped Out

A “ransom” style note on the front announces:

ROBOT
Opening this envelope may change your life!

Inside is B.E.N. the robot from Disney’s peculiar Treasure Planet.

Yay Toronto

I could be creeped out but I am sure it’s andrew (I recognize the NOW Toronto font on “RO”) giving me a belated b-day gift.

Bye Bye Crumberland!

Distractions, Hobbies, Toronto

Torontoist reports (sadly for them, happily for me) that the Cumberland 4 up in Yorkville is closing their doors.

Boo hoo.

I’m all for independent cinema, it keeps the crap at bay and makes Hollywood look like a bunch of money hungry assholes they generally are. But do thoughtful, creative movies have to be shunted to a theatre so god awful that the experience of seeing the film detracts so much from the movie that it becomes just as easy to go rent it at home (and cheaper)?

I was much more sadder when the Uptown shut down, even after the hack job they did to it to keep it afloat.