Category Archives: Distractions

Of Cabbages and Kings

Distractions, Hobbies

I love my slow cooker. I have a fairly hefty sized one that I got in 1997 and it’s been like a good friend – a good friend who spends his entire day cooking for me as I slave away at work. I love coming home to a house that smells like I have an Italian woman chained to a stovetop forced to cook for me like she was a mail-order bride, eager to make me happy so she could kill me with cholesterol.

Last week I was asked to partake in a University of Toronto study of men who cook. The meaning of the study is much more involved (some sort of gender bender study) but I’ll leave it at that. Know that there is a research group at the Uni looking into men who enjoy cooking. I gladly said yes because, hey, look at me sideways on. I love to cook. I’m not incredibly super at it, but I love the planning and the execution and the enjoyment of eating. Obviously.

As part of this study I was asked to keep a diary of my cooking habits and so far, it’s been successful. While planning meals in advance of the week (and to up=play the diary, admittedly) I was digging down into the ice age era of my freezer and I discovered a pack of stewing beef. Perfect. One of my favorite dishes immortalized in this study: “Everything In The Fridge Stew”

Basically you start out with a base:

1/2 cubed beef or pork

1/3 cup flour

2 cups beef or veggie broth

2 medium sized potatoes, quartered

A carrot

2 celery stalks

Sliced onion

At least 1 cup of whatever veggies you have sitting around

Dash of Worcestershire sauce

Dollop of BBQ sauce

Cayenne pepper/dried basil/orageno

Toss the meat into the slow cooker. Add flour, salt and pepper. Stir well until the meat is coated. Add veggies. Add Broth. Add spices. Turn the damn thing on for minimum 6 hours. Go enjoy life.

Anyway. Yesterday morning I got to the part where you throw sit-around veggies in and I found some orange peppers and yellow string beans – nice stew foddder. Then things went south. I found a cabbage SharkBoy likes to get me to boil for a side dish sometimes (boil til soft, drain, add vinegar – yum – cheap ‘slaw!) so I thought I should add some. Chop chop chop, add add add, cook cook cook.

After a long day at work, it warmed my heart to knowing that I would throw open my apartment door and smell a rich beef stew. I love doing that to our neighbours – take that, Mr Noisy at 3am fuckers! That’s right, we’re eating beef! Ha!

I shoved my key into the lock and I yank the apartment door open! I inhale like a post-theatre student in his first Bounce commercial.

ACK!

I forgot that cabbage has a distinctive odour when it is cooked. Especially when left in a warm environment for over 10 hours. I had bothered my neighbours, alright. The food taunting had backfired on us – the apartment smelled like Betty White’s underwear after filming The Proposal.

Seriously it smelled like gym sock, fart and had a delicious aftersmell of cooked beef. I avoided the kitchen and walked into the office to find SharkBoy is on his computer, window open, hand over nose.

“Toronto smells today!” he muffles. He often complains on how Toronto smells when the wind blows off the lake across the sewage treatment plant.

“Uhm. That’s dinner,” I offer.

“WHAT!?”

I cautiously open the lid to the crock pot. The smell. I can only compare it to living with a dormitory of athletic guys during some higher education session. Without the sexy glances in the hallway to the showers. Or like durian left in the sun. I gingerly took a nibble…

…and it wasn’t half bad! In fact it was quite good, once you got past the smell. The cabbage tasted quite good!

Currently every window is open in the house. My interview with the Uni students will be conducted with used Bounce sheets taped to our noses.

Just What Do You Sell?

Distractions, Gaming, You Stupid Dick

I’m at the Laird and Eglington FutureShop buying my hubby a new Bluetooth headset for his iPhone. I also picked up Season 7 of The Golden Girls. Because I love him and will suffer and embarrassment for him. The smarmy clerk scans my purchases. When he gets to the DVD of wrinkly comedy, I ask my standard purchase question:

“Do you judge people on which DVDs they buy?”

“No. I use to work in the game section. I’ve seen some pretty wierd purchases there, let me tell you.”

What… ?

I imagine that there’s a director’s cut version of “Se7en” for the Wii back there. “A button to see what’s in the box! A button the box!!!”

Going Without

Distractions, Toronto

“Venti Earl Grey Tea, one tea bag, room for milk, please!”

Yes. I’m back at Starbucks because I seriously cannot handle Tim Hortons service, their staff or even their patrons. It’s like the words “Please” and “Thank you” have been outlawed and replaced with rabid dog-like snarling. I’d rather drink overly strong tea and have a pleasant exchange than deal with the inept dolts at Tim Hortons. Call me un-Canadian and I’ll remind you that “being Canadian” mean’s we’re suppose to be polite to each other.

“Buddy? Excuse me.”

I turn towards the voice and there is a handsome chap behind me in line. His eyes look a bit hound dog and he shyly asks: “I’m not a tea drinker, what did you just order?”

“Earl Grey?” I say. Internally I’m thinking “Captain Picard’s favorite drink… How the fuck did you miss 7 seasons of Star Trek?”

“I’ve been told I can’t drink coffee anymore. Does it have a lot of caffeine?”

“More than coffee, but you have to take out the bag after 5 minutes or it get’s really nasty.”

“What do you put into it?”

“Just like coffee – milk, sugar, steamed milk, lemon. Some do honey.”

“Okay cool. I really can’t do dairy anymore. Been told to stay off it.”

“Dude,” I offer with a downturn inflection, as condolences.

Meanwhile my internal database flips through the reasons you can’t have dairy and come up with syphilis medication. Also, bad cramping and gas. I need to update that database.

Today’s Horrorscope

Distractions

Aries: Today sees a rise in Mars so you better steer clear of that co-worker in the washroom. They’re about to drop something horrid and leave you to blame.

Taurus: The secret crush you have suddenly escalates into something physical, tangible, when a happy accident leaves you in possession of a forgotten article. Don’t hesitate – this is the icebreaker you’ve been waiting for! Getting it all out on the line, fast and hard is the best!

Gemini: Two words: Painful. Gas. Seriously, you should be looking after yourself better. Keep your little hammer drops to the privacy of a stall!

Cancer: Sadness prevails. Know that this too shall pass, but pass into what? The path is yours to choose. Know that whatever your decision, it can’t get much worse than it is now. Sorry dude.

Leo: That lumpy looking person you see around who looks, then not-looks at you has something of yours. Have 9-1- dialed on your phone with your finger hovering over “1”. Look into their eyes – it’s gone beyond puppy love!

Libra: Your recipes are working. Your revenge is working. Their pain is your rejoice. How far you take this is utterly up to you.

Virgo: Yes. They are cheating on you. We told you two weeks ago and you did nothing. You will receive an interesting email with an attachment of proof. Enjoy eating half boxes of Kraft Dinner. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Scorpio: Someone will walk by you in a funk today. Make sure you do something out of the ordinary to take their mind off it. Pointing out that your own fly is undone is not an option.

Sagittarius: They don’t suspect a thing. Keep doing what you’re doing and all will continue without any upset to the status quo. One recommendation though: delete, delete, delete.

Capricorn: You observe what could be a budding office romance or a restraining order in the making, stemming from the thing you lost last week. You can either get involved by claiming ownership or staying back to watch the sparks.

Aquarius: That guy cheating on his spouse is really an ass, isn’t he? Time to set up a web cam at his front door and start some good ol’ vigilantism.

Pisces: Offer a choice to that co-worker who looks sad: shape up or ship out. It’s about time they stopped moping about like someone died.

Friday Grab Bag

Distractions, General, Tech

Lisa’s Facebook page has an app that is updating her wall with goofy remixed pictures of her profile pic. It’s creeping me out. Today’s pic is of her being eaten by a tiger. No shit.

I got new glasses. Actually SharkBoy got some too but his aren’t as he expected. He’s going to have to get progressive lenses since he’s skeeved by taking them off just to read. Mine make me look like a fat Elvis Costello. I think.

The iPad is making splashes through the web, having been dropped off early at some nerdy tech writers. Gizmodo has a great cross reference graph for your perusal.  Yes. It’s making me want one. And I don’t really need it at all, but something in me…wants… one… arg.

Fortress of Solitude posts a funny pic. I find a companion video.

This weekend my family converges on Toronto again from Calgary, Ottawa, Brockvegas and the grand United Kingdom. I’m looking forward to it!

Immortal, If Only in Pulp

Celebs and Media, Distractions

I’m digging through my box of comics, downsizing, removing the non-valuable ones and I come across this – Issue #1 of Lethargic Lad:

Lethargic Lad Issue #1

It was created by a group of animators and one teacher within my class at Sheridan College. These were the “cool guys” that sat at the back of the studio who were tight and occasionally monopolized the facetime of the Layout teacher, Brian LaMay. Every so often they would produce a original ‘zines that were 5×7 in size and were filled with sight gags and artwork that would make our life drawing teacher faint, but you could tell the stories (sometimes broad, sometimes laser accurate parodies of current comic/movie/TV happenings) that they loved the medium. And that they didn’t have any girlfriends.

The day their full colour (cover) issue in proper comic book format came out, I was sitting at my desk in third year animation class. Greg Hyland entered the lofty classroom and slammed a pile of them down on his desk. Like something out of a Disney movie, the class crowded around and shucked out the $2 for a copy. As I got mine. Greg smiled and said “Check out page 5.”

LLad - Page 5

That’s me, and my roommate at the time, Ray Larabie (who is now in Japan hawking fonts, lucky bastard). We’re being accosted by Greg’s creation: Guy With A Gun, a ripoff parody of The Punisher. I was happy I got two lines over Ray’s one. Suck it!

I see that Greg has kept Lethargic Lad going all these years and is working as a storyboard artist. Good to see!

Gone Dry

Distractions

Post vacation, I’m finding little to write about. I mean I always have ideas but sometimes they get stuck in my head like a ball of hair in a toothpaste glorped drain.

So it’s up to you, dear reader, to advise me on my next venture. Choose wisely!

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Satellite of Love

Distractions, Travel

Home again! The whole trip was… well… a trip.

Every Caribbean internet cafe I visited had blocked my site. I’m assuming because I’m rated as “adult” on someone’s list due to the word “gay” in my meta tags. Whatever, Caribbean IT dicks. I’m home now and you can’t stop me.

But the trip really was awesome! I need a day to sort out the pics and videos. And the stories. We have stories. Here’s a hint: I have a new mortal enemy: Anyone from New Jersey.

More later.