Category Archives: Distractions

Probably The Last I’ll Speak Of This

Distractions, Personal Bits

I have just received via email my acceptance into the wonderful world of Apple retail. I will be pulling part time hours (while still doing my current career stuff) as one of their many Specialists here in town. I start training right away – this weekend – where I am sure I will have to sign some sort of confidentiality contract. I have a feeling I will not be able to blog about incidents or events happening within the crystal box known as the Apple Stores.

I say that because when I asked a few direct questions regarding operations, I was given a standard answer from a couple people: “As you know, Apple is a fairly secretive company. I’m unable to answer that…”

And speaking of the hiring process – it’s been like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Not in a bad way, either. It’s been fun, curious and eye opening.

No. I will not get you a staff discount on an iPad.

Me first.

I Want To Tell You Hebbo!

Distractions, Personal Bits

Lately I’ve been …incomplete. I have to admit that my life has been rather empty and lost. Oh sure I had a loving husband and two wonderful cats and lots of electronic gadgets to keep me occupied but I found that my soul lacked that soul-like thing that makes all of us full of souls. I was a shell of a person with a shell around them. I was empty inside but with guts and things inside.

Then I got a brochure.

I am a better person today because of it! I’ve learned the 313 secrets of Tarvu and I know how to talk to an octopus!

Tarvuism is the world’s fastest growing religion and it’s so EASY to join! ™

I’m not sure what the good book of Tarvuism says about homosexuality but I’m sure it will be word-like!

I encourage you to join! It’s so EASY to join!

Bebbo!

Leisure Time

Distractions, Tech

When I was a kid, I recall reading books with huge minimalists illustrations that promised us a beautiful future, which got me interested in speculative thought and science fiction in general. I remember some wild claims the book made vividly (title I can’t remember, sorry) and for something from the early 70s (I’m assuming) it was pretty darned spooky.

The book claimed that we’d be living extremely comfortably in clean communities – now “comfort” is relative. There are people living in tents right now, some have oil washing up on their shores, some are waking up from a long night sleeping on a park bench. Because it forgot to mention that crime and poverty will never be eradicated I only award the book half points.

The book claimed that we’d have autonomous cars that thought and drove for us. Again not exactly true. While we can purchase a car that can park itself, we can’t sit back and enjoy the scenery yet. Though it is being developed – DARPA has been holding contests for hobbyists to create a car that can traverse deserts without a driver. And they can be turned on and off remotely, find their way, chill your drinks and show the latest episode of American Idol, but they can’t drive themselves. So, again, half marks.

The book also said we’d be ordering our food from the phone – or telepresence or something equally “phonic”. I remember the first time I used grocerygateway.com and had my food delivered right to my door within the 30 min window I specified. And then I realized “This is how you wind up on The Discovery Channel as The World’s Fattest Man – I’ll never leave the house!” Plus I like to shop. Good for you Book, but I don’t like it.

Around our hips would be satchels that contained our communications devices, says the Book. Or on our wrists. Mines on my desk beside me – thankyouverymuchSteveJobs. Bang on Book!

One thin that hasn’t come true, and I recall this one vividly, especially leaving the house this morning on such a lovely day, is that we’d all have more free time with this technology. The Book said we’d be working 4 days a week. Our lives would become fuller and enriched because of the extra day and society would swim in all the culture we’d create which would lead to more intelligent people and live would be fantastic!

Not. Bloody. Likely.

In fact, due to technology, I have less free time. I just took a part time job at an Apple store (a whole other blog post, before I sign the confidentiality contract) where I enslave more people with technology. But it will give me a better class of hotel for my next vacation.

So Book, where ever you are now, thank you for the future. I wished for it and it mostly came true.

Canada’s Next Top Model

Distractions, Hobbies

With DecalsFinger to throat dunking, attention starved career minded individuals? No! I’m talking removing plastic from flash, glue huffing and decal ripping fun! See, I’ve had this dang model sitting in the back of my closet for years and because we didn’t plan anything for May 2-4 weekend, it seemed like a good time to work on it.

The model came with about 20 pieces, shifting loosely inside the box. The instruction sheet was as helpful as a mute at a karaoke bar:

The year is 1997. Space travel has become routine. There is a regular exursion to Mars on the SS (Space Ship) Mars Liner class rocket…

Impossibly vapid assembly sheet here (PDF).

If the design looks familiar it’s because you’ve probably seen it on Uncle Walt’s desk (if you’re that old) as he waxed philosophically once a week about how great the future was going to be:

Tomorrowland, Disneyland

I’ve always loved this kind of futurama rocket design – the landing pads, the portals, the grace of travel through the harshest of climates, the hope for the future, etc. I bought the model in a dollar store long before I met SharkBoy, long before he implanted my Disney obsession (somehow starting up my love for Disney blanked out the ship from my weekly Disney TV memories) and didn’t know that there is a life sized version at Tomorrowland (at least I think it’s still there – it was when I took that picture!), so you can guess I went a bit wobbly kneed when I came around the corner and saw this staring up at me.

It’s a shame I never got around to making it.

With the weather and the lazy day attitude, it was as good as any day! Enjoy.

Tomorrowland, Disneyland

Collect, Reflect, REJECT

Distractions, Toronto

You can hoard...whatever you want to hoard

During this wonderful spring weekend, SharkBoy and I attended various garage sales around the neighbourhood, looking for trinkets, bobs and baubles and various discards. Who doesn’t love walking on a stranger’s lawn and have the opportunity to judge them by the crap they’re displaying? I love wondering how their life was shaped by the arrival/departure of the unwanted things they’re so ineptly displaying on a carpet or card table.

I did notice a befuddling trend: people seem to be collecting a lot of one particular thing, bulk hoarding as it were, for reasons unknown.

At one house, a lady had at least 40 Esso station Olympic glasses. Either she was a travelling sales agent or she liked the Slushies. I had to wonder why even start to purchase/save them, past 2-3? Getting one singular glass I could understand – everyone needs at least ONE container to put pens/pencils/cylindrical desk crap into for your office, but 40? The prospects of using them as “the good glasses” are nil, or huge, depending on the trailer park you live in. And I can’t fathom saying to yourself “I need 30 more of these!” for whatever reason.

One poor sod had approximately 50 ice gel packs lined up nicely in a box. They had a marketing deal (in their head) of 5 florescent blue chillers for $5. What prompted this person to accept all these into their home when at best they could probably use one or two at a time? What circumstance reared it’s cool-required ugly head and demanded that this person take a box of these packs into their life? I suppose maybe they’re transporting temperature sensitive materials, like Swine Flu vaccines or a human head and needed 50 ice packs.

At one house I found a tray of about 20 miniature “Anne Frank” houses. I supposed they were Anne’s house in tiny format – they looked Amsterdammy. One, sure. La la la vacation in dopeland and hey cool, Anne Frank’s hidey home! I need this! But 20? Were they going to set up some sort of diorama?

Honestly I’m one to talk. I have 1000 4″ Iron Giant action figures (dolls!) in a box in the back of the closet. I’m now starting to collect the 3D glasses from the summer blockbusters so I can make a lamp. When I get around to it, of course.

Losing Face(book) Again

Distractions, The Bad

I tried before but now I’m pretty much made up my mind. Especially after reading this article. I’ve decided that I get enough ads directed at me through unpaid subscriptions to online/real world endeavours. Hell just visiting any Google enhanced free web page and I get Toronto/Gay/Gamer/robot centric ads yelling at me for attention. You’ll notice I’ve removed the Sociable widget/toolbar at the bottom.

Look, I love internet trends and memes. They make me happy and make me feel like I’m on the bleeding edge of cool. I tried FB and with limited success I witnessed a page view spike over here on DR.com when I vented my posts over to my Wall. I’ve come in contact with some missing friends and made a couple new ones too. Win/win! But there comes a time when juggling three digital online presences gets a bit much (four if you count Flickr, but who likes a silent mime in the social world, eh?). Between Twitter, FB and this site I manage to cross pollinate each with a singe touch of a button, but in the end, most of my readers get hit with three similar announcements about one upload. Because I don’t want to spam my readers and friends and I prefer to write and create rather than regurgitate I’ve chosen to drop the least creative outlet – Facebook. Twitter and this Blog win out, I’m afraid. And Twitter ain’t all that attractive too – I think it promotes poor grammar/spelling but I can’t deny it’s compelling immediacy.

In the end it comes down to redundancy, really. I’m tired of trying to keep up with all the social and just want to focus on the me for now. I hope you stay and read on (You can RSS feed the home page easy in Firefox/Google Reader) and ultimately keep on being digital.

Googling My Past

Distractions

Last year on this day I Googled “wet cat nuts”. I have no clue why

In my head I can imagine some poor sap pouring over server logs at Google, in a windowless room, lit with flickering florescent lights and a tinny 70s pop radio on in the background, when he comes across that little nugget of info and he pauses. Reflecting on the frailty of life, human existence, reasons for human growth potential and all the suffering in the world and the good that can overcome that (plus wet cat nuts) when suddenly a robot arm with a 100 volt cattle prod comes down from the ceiling and shocks him back to work.

Two years ago I guess I was working on something for some freelance client. I Googled “Three Character Code color HTML” and I’m glad to note I was smrt enough to exclude the superfluous Canadian U. I also looked up the naughty Miley Cirus photoshoot story on TMZ. Again, I have no clue. Only apologies.

Three years ago I apparently didn’t use the internet at all, according to Google. The day before I looked up Spongebob Squarepants on IMDb. I think I was sad. That or I wanted to see who did the voice of Patrick.

Four years ago I looked up Brian Cox on IMDb. I think I was confused to his identity after watching Xmen 2 or something. Can’t recall. Google does though, and will probably tell me just as I die. The lights will fade and consciousness grows fuzzy around my peripheral being when suddenly a window will pop open in my field of view – Google will then tell me why I looked up Brian Cox (“You thought his goatee in X2 was hot!”) and I will fade from existence. I also looked up some Vatican info. Maybe I was thinking of a Dan Brown/Xmen kind of fever dream?

Appletizing

Distractions, General

This weekend was weird.

Friday I spent all morning cleaning so that I could allow a woman doing research into Men Who Like To Cook into my home. I capitalize that because that’s the best way I can describe her study. At first I thought it was going to be all Gender based questions regarding my views of roles within the home but it turned out to be a lot more curious – the questions she was asking going into hour 2 were a lot more personal than I expected and at one point I had a revelation that I actually derive my pleasure for cooking from when I would come home from school about an hour earlier than my Dad and would start dinner. He would come home and complete the meal. Teamwork! Comfort! Valour! Effort! etc… Afterwards, I made SharkBoy a nice dinner of beef quesadillas.

Saturday we basically played it low key and took turns on the PS3 trying to plough through our games. I’m still on Mass Effect 2 and SharkBoy is eating up Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. I’ve never seen him so obsessed with a game – I’ve created a monster. Later we met up with GroveOfBlue and Fortress of Solitude and enjoyed Kick Ass and then the first two episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I wish I could download things from the web again. Dang Rogers and their silly DMA threats.

Sunday was dinner with Dad after a day of naps. Da is officially 78 or something silly. Doesn’t act it, though. Happy B-day Da!

After dinner I high tailed it to the Apple store up at the Yorkdale mall where I sat in on a hiring seminar. A few days ago I applied for a part time job for the summer since I: 1) don’t have any projects or plans for this summer and 2) want more money doing something I like doing – namely telling people what to do with their computers.

When I got there, I was the oldest in the room (of about 40 people). Oddly enough this didn’t intimidate me at all, however the amount of scarves on these twentysomething hipsters in 17C weather was quite disconcerting. Thankfully I was wearing my big nerd eyeglass frames or I’d be seen as the totally non-hipster old guy in the room. I find out later this week if I got an appointment with the “People Leader” and then on to the appropriate store manager for training. Fingers sort of crossed. If I get it, great! If not… meh. Moving on…