Hi Michael Bay!

I see you sent along a letter to projectionists around the world in preparation for your latest 3D spectacle “Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon”. Wonderful! I’m glad to see your micromanaging is exceeding your limits. It’s always nice to have a goal.

I love how you’ve taken up the sword in the defense of 3D movies and that you urge your fans to see your movie in the “best possible theatre” they can. I’m hoping this is because with your superior directing and editing skills, you’ve managed to cram that extra frame of action, that one more line of patriotic rhetoric, that added misogynistic/homophobic/racist joke —in 3D!. And we shouldn’t miss one second!

Yesterday SharkBoy and i spent 10 minutes watching Transformers 2: Cock Flapping In Our Faces and thought how terrible it must have been to create such a movie of sheer actionness, utter excitemaplosion, pure adrenalinacokewhoreness, and then have to come down after all that production work. We wondered aloud at what you might do in your off time. Do you stitch puppies together mouth-to-anus and watch them roam your property? Do you dress girls up like Meghan Fox and make them work on your car engines while encouraging them to continue with their stellar acting abilities into such ground breaking movies as Jonas Hex? Whatever you do I’m glad you don’t sit still for long! I can’t wait for your Ouija Movie!!

Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and keep up the eye-bleedingly shitty work.