Buddy, I've battled a 60 rubber squid. You don't scare me

At 14, I was a slightly overweight (as opposed to now, being even more slightly overweight) child who bloomed years early. This granted me the opportunity to sneak into a plethora of “restricted” films as a kid.

From the genre of Hitchcockian Lifeboat-esque style of movies where everyone is a killer’s target in some isolated situation comes Saturn 3. The story of two remote geological station scientists living in a happy bubble of remote, blissful sex and science-y research in cool jumpsuits : non-Earth borne Farah Fawcett Majors (Alex) and getting-on-in-life Kirk Douglas (Adam) are Adam and Eve Alex (see what they did there?). Far out in space, their life together is perfect without constant interruptions from cesspooly Earth (yet for some reason decide to assist in maintaining Earth through SCIENCE!). Adam pounds home to Alex (Douglas appears nude a few times… yikes) of Earth’s dirty, dirty ways yet fears she’s becoming curious to see it. Enter Harvey Keitel as Benson (his voice was dubbed out for someone with a creepier tone (!)) bringing the horrors of Earth to Alex and Adam’s secluded paradise in the form of automated help and snappy dialogue:

Alex (Farrah): Haven’t you even had a dog?
Benson (Harvey): A few times.
Alex: Well, didn’t they have names?
Benson: Just something to eat.

Benson isn’t as he seems, however, as the opening sequence reveals him killing the actual delivery man/pilot of the new experimental automated help/robot to Saturn 3. Why does Benson murder the delivery boy so he can bring a killer robot to a remote block of rock in the outer reaches of our solar system? Why question madness? Enter the robot Hector – the MacGuffin star/special effect/monster that promises to put ol’ Adam out of a job. This robot’s beautiful design, based on a few Leonardo DiVinci drawings (think Schwarzenegger’s Mr Freeze outfit without the idiotic goof inside) steals the show. Even though it has little dialogue it manages to deliver creepy in little head/eye stalk angles and turns (assisted with a great audio effect). If Hector/Saturn 3 were to be created today the robot would most certainly be a CGI effect and would have had the life (ironically) sucked from it.

Some science-y jibberjabber is introduced where psychotic Benson’s essence is transferred into the robot’s living brain (say that with a theramin playing behind you) to make it more efficient and humanly helpful. Unfortunately this only succeeds in making Hector a stronger, more psychotic robot monster. Of course Benson’s lust for Alex has been transferred over to Hector via this science-y jibberjabber and the robot can’t help himself  and we’re treated to shots of longing photoelectric sensor glances from across the lab, etc. Which makes Adam even more incensed that his paradise has been infiltrated. Which makes Alex more curious about how shitty Earth really is.

SPOILERS! Look Away!

Madness wins out and people get robotically gouged. The beauty is chased through icy passages. Severed heads are stuffed onto articulated robot necks. Hector is thwarted, comes back and thwarted again. After all is chopped up and bled out, beautiful Alex survives the robot attack and makes her way to decadent Earth, fulfilling her desire to see just how shitty Earth really is, pretty much negating her love and respect for Adam’s wishes to remain pure of heart.