I’m afraid this rant is going to sound a lot like “Hey you kids, get out of that Jello Tree” but I can not keep silent any more.

Jeans these days are fucking ugly.

I said it. I meant it. I prove it.

This morning I witnessed a feckless metrosexual in front of me on the subway wearing jeans that defied description, but here I go anyway:

• Appliques: on his outer left thigh was an embroidered final scroll sewn into and across the seam. A finial on a guy’s jean. If you had asked the cowboys from Brokeback Mountain to try these jaunty foppish leg pantaloons on they would have said “GaaaaaAAAAAaay!”
• Flappy back pockets: I don’t mind these so much but if you’re going to choose this kind of fashion statement then you HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. By that I mean IRON them DOWN when you take them out of the wash. Especially if the flaps are longer than 2 inches. Otherwise you look sloppy. SLOPPY!
• Buckles: This dude had a jean strap and buckle horizontally across the top of his ass, just under the waistband. What the fuck, dude? Are we a pirate now? A swashbuckling denim dragoon that over accessorizes? Or did you think it looked like something from Hellraiser? Like a Village People version of Hellraiser?
• And the last: One inch leather cuffs. Serious. Leather cuffs on the bottom of his jeans. Someone took the time to sit at a machine and add one inch leather cuffs onto a pair of perfectly good jeans. Can we get the Brokeback cowboys in here again for a moment? “GaaaaAAAAaay!” In hindsight, these jeans were so hideous that the leather was probably “pleather”. Or vinyl. Or tanned seal hide. Who knows. Who cares. STOP IT.

Thankfully he was wearing these jeans up around his waist, no underwear showing above the rim (Whale Tail – for ladies, Jailin’ for the men). The other day I saw a guy with his jeans just covering his pelvic bone and NO JEANS AT ALL covering his wicked ugly Giant Tiger cheap as fuck underwear covered ass.  Why? WHY? WHY!?! Oh I know it’s origins are from making a gangsta statement but come on. Public, dude! Oh look at me! I’m all naughty! Look at my undies!

I bet this is the same kind of guy that wears his underwear into the showers at the gym.

I didn’t want to rant about that stupid trend but I did. See what you made me do?

When I was a kid (oh here we go), the worst I did was rip the knees out of some (popular again, I see) and in some cases I painted Warner Bros cartoon characters in acrylic paint on the thigh of a couple jeans. Last month, when I was in NYC, I noted that jeans are still distressed in style but have sparse sprays of paint on them, like you just came from your studio after working on a 10×24 foot canvas and had 5 Red Bulls to get you through.

My point is that jean fashion is cyclic. Like Battlestar says “All this has happened before and will happen again”

I can’t wait until we get back into the really tight sprayed on Mamel-toe jeans for guys. That rocked.