“Venti Earl Grey Tea, one tea bag, room for milk, please!”

Yes. I’m back at Starbucks because I seriously cannot handle Tim Hortons service, their staff or even their patrons. It’s like the words “Please” and “Thank you” have been outlawed and replaced with rabid dog-like snarling. I’d rather drink overly strong tea and have a pleasant exchange than deal with the inept dolts at Tim Hortons. Call me un-Canadian and I’ll remind you that “being Canadian” mean’s we’re suppose to be polite to each other.

“Buddy? Excuse me.”

I turn towards the voice and there is a handsome chap behind me in line. His eyes look a bit hound dog and he shyly asks: “I’m not a tea drinker, what did you just order?”

“Earl Grey?” I say. Internally I’m thinking “Captain Picard’s favorite drink… How the fuck did you miss 7 seasons of Star Trek?”

“I’ve been told I can’t drink coffee anymore. Does it have a lot of caffeine?”

“More than coffee, but you have to take out the bag after 5 minutes or it get’s really nasty.”

“What do you put into it?”

“Just like coffee – milk, sugar, steamed milk, lemon. Some do honey.”

“Okay cool. I really can’t do dairy anymore. Been told to stay off it.”

“Dude,” I offer with a downturn inflection, as condolences.

Meanwhile my internal database flips through the reasons you can’t have dairy and come up with syphilis medication. Also, bad cramping and gas. I need to update that database.