To the idiot who was waving her used Metro paper, approaching the poor TTC worker who was trying really hard to close a bag of garbage (he was actually on one knee, wrestling with the monster bag) and had the audacity to ask: “Too late to put one more in?”: Please. Throw yourself in front of a train.

To the lady on the cell phone who let everyone on the streetcar know that she was in the movie industry and was having a big drama day: You know the drill… throw yourself in front of the streetcar.

To my Doctor: Please just once acknowledge one of my jokes. I know you’re beleaguered and busy. Stop and laugh. Show me you’re human. Or throw yourself in front of your Audi. Whatever works.

To the homeless lady still outside my window yelling like there is an emergency, from my return home at 5pm-ish to now, 9:30pm: Seek help. If you won’t seek help, throw yourself in front of a crack dealer. Oh. You already did that.

To the one manager in my office who insists on flooding us with useless graphics requests that go absolutely nowhere but yet we have to honour them all the same because you have one grain of respectability that seems to shine in someone’s eyes: Visit India, reserve a spot on an elephant safari and then throw yourself in front of a pachyderm.