Tag Archives: stupid

Dear Bell Canada…

You Stupid Dick

Dear Bell Canada,

Thank you for your invoice for $4.22 on the final payment on my late father’s telephone bill.

I do apologize for missing your bill due date, automatically generated by your crack billing department, by 72 hours. I guess my only excuse is that I was busy cleaning out my father’s effects to be on top of your deadline. While I did manage to close out his account over the phone (and thank you for trying to keep his account open while I was talking to your rep) and I did pay the outstanding balance in full, albeit a couple days late, I hope that you can forgive me for not promptly paying this huge bill of $4.22. I just figured your 84% profit increase (somewhere over a billion dollars! Bravo!) for 2009 would distract you from this $4.22 I owed you, but apparently you need it much more than I thought.

I do hope you can put the $4.22 to good use. I hope that my contribution to your corporation, in my late father’s name, can enrich your company to new levels of customer service. With this money, may I suggest you hire someone to actually monitor what your utterly heartless billing department computers are doing when faced with estate handling? I’m assuming it was an utterly heartless computer since no human would actually ask for $4.22 from a dead man. Oh sure, I’d understand $50 or something higher, but for a billion dollar company to ask for $4.22 because a bill was 3 days late seems to me like no human with any kind of soul attached to it, would let this be sent out by mail. Twice. If I’m wrong, then I bet if Bell Canada was an actual physical human body, they’d be the guy in the back of the hall, eating from the buffet, muttering how cheap the tuna fish finger sandwiches, crusts removed, are.

With all this being said and speculated on, I will state here, that if an electromagnetic pulse were to go off over all the other Communications companies here in Canada, effectively wiping them off the business map, and for some miracle, yours was the only infrastructure left for internet/telecommunications/cable provisions, I would rather cut my own liver out with the paper edge of your god damned $4.22 bill, and serve it to a room full of starving cats than give you one more dime.

With warmest fuck yous.

Dead Robot

Update: a mystery cheque has arrived!

All Hallow’s Eve Pt2

Distractions

A meme from The Electronic Replicant so fitting, I can’t pass it up:

What were you last year for Halloween?
Rarrr!
A Luchadore. Often imitated. Often better than yours.

What are you going to be this year?

You Tell Me…

Favorite costume you have ever worn?
For attention, I’ve never got as much as the wrestler. I do remember my sister trying to get me into a Mummy costume and bailing on me when she got half way through. Too many bandages for her attention span.

How do you spend your Halloween?
Lately, on Church Street. I’m a people watcher at heart. But the desire to dress up overtakes that a bit.

Are you or are you not going trick or treating this year?
I hope to trick. Nyuck nyuck.

Did or do you pull Halloween pranks?
I tried to scare my mom once when I was 9 or 10 but being the last of 5 kids, she’d seen it all: the dummy in the chair in a dark room, the panicked yelling of “John’s been hit by a car”, the lawn dart in the back for real…

Do you believe in ghosts?
Sort of. I had a sink tap turn itself on full blast when I worked in a 170 year old jail converted into a traveller’s hostel. Last place in Canada to have a public hanging. Spooky.

Are you superstitious?
I’m not. But I do pray to the fates when I want something.

Do you like caramel popcorn?
Duh.

Have you ever gone in the country to look for pumpkins?
I’ve gone into the country looking like a pumpkin. Gay camping and over-tanning does that.

Have you ever been on a hayride?
I’ve been in a Corn Maze.

Do you decorate your home for Halloween?
First time this year. Mostly cat-safe candles.

Have you ever been to a haunted house?
Where do you live?

Have you ever been to a graveyard on Halloween?
Nope. Too stupid and scared.

Have you ever attended a Halloween party?
Where do you live?

Do you watch scary movies on Halloween?
Not lately. Too busy.

Have you ever had your candy stolen from you?
Yes. At the age of 12. The guy I was with took off suddenly and my costume (I forget what I was) didn’t offer up much notice that there were big kids bearing down on us. I was tackled wondering why my friend was racing away from me. I hope the fucker (friend and big kid) is diabetic now.

Did you ever steal any ones candy?
Nope. I was a wimp.

Has anyone ever gotten hurt due to your prank?
What prank?

Have you ever dressed as a witch/warlock?
No. I wanted to be Sci Fi all the way.

Are your parents into Halloween?
When I was 16, my dad and I went to a department store and bought a pair of those cheap vinyl kids jumpsuit costumes with the tounge-cutting slitty mouths. We squeeezed into them and headed out to the apartment upstairs for the apartment building’s party. By the time we climbed the stairs, the seams had burst and we were basically in our underwear. With masks. Dad was Captain America. I was Wonder Woman.

Too Mad to Write

Tech

Go read this article:

Michael Geist – The Canadian DMCA bill. I started to sputter after the second provision – where converting DVDs, CDs and other medias to portable devices may become a crime if you use a device/program that circumvents the copyright protection. If we’re using these converted files for personal use and not for resale or distribution, why should it matter what we do with the movie/music we bought?

Because we have to buy these media files over and over again to play on various devices, making more money for distributors. Who had a major hand in crafting this bill. If I buy Iron Man on DVD, I would have to buy it from iTunes if I wanted to watch it on my iPod. Cha-ching!

While the law does update some outmoded digital rights, this goes too far into personal freedoms, methinks.

UPDATE: Michael Geist expands succinctly on what the new law would mean – invasion of privacy, a law that barely could be enforced and rights of consumers stripped away (shouldn’t Apple be coming in on a white horse right about now?). He also provides ways of contacting your local and federal reps to protest this flawed law. Write in today!

Villains

Celebs and Media

One of the first memories I have is the Disney movie 101 Dalmatians. I was 9 or so when I first laid eye on Cruella DaVille. Cloned from Phyllis Diller and Joan Collins’ lesbian relationship, Cruella scared the crap out of me. Her boisterous attitude, the long cigarette, the out of control hair, mysterious all-covering fur coats all combined to remind me of the worst of my mother. But seeing how this is a post about Disney villains and not some pseudo Freudian inner sexual rant, I will continue.

There are strict rules about how we perceive a villain in the Wonderful World of Disney. The fastest way I can describe it is this: they’re either male or female. Congratz, you say! Hear me out:

The Men. All Disney Male Villains (DMVs) MUST have a British accent. Why? Because to Americans, a good North London born and bred voice sounds pompous and condescending, making our hatred gland secrete ire for anyone smarter than us. With the pompousness, comes a pseudo-homosexual undertone designed to sexually offset kids’ budding sexuality in the audience (or hetero parents, for that matter). Oddly enough I know no homosexual who actually disliked a Disney villain, male or female (females do rate higher though). The best male villains rolled their r’s and swirled their hands in large circles (from the wrist) when flamboyantly revealing their sick and twisted plots to a captive hero. When confronting their nemesis, DMVs looked upon their goody goody enemies with half closed eyes and big bottom lips, jutted out in feigned interest. This was usually followed by the DMV placing the hero in such a complex trap, the gods themselves couldn’t ex the machina.

Proof? Here are some prime examples:

Jafar (Alladin): Can you say Joan Crawford in reverse mandrag? The droll downcast eyes and harsh uplighting in every scene would make any drag queen jealous. And those lips. I swear to god he’s wearing eyeliner and eye shadow.

Scar (Lion King): Voiced by Jeremy Irons. Remember him? Dead Ringers? Creepy. Scar is pretty much my cornerstone DMV. He explodes at his stupid henchmen, plots three steps ahead of the writers themselves and you know that as soon as he reaches power in the pride, he is going to have a Caligula-esque orgy within hours.

Professor Rattagan (The Great Mouse Detective): Vincent Price’s lilting foppish voice was perfect as the evil master mind nemesis to Basil (“Oh I love it love it love it,” he chants in one scene, like some queen at a Banana Republic year end sale). Mentioning Rattagan’s true self as a rat and you are fed to an obese fag-hag like cat. How’s that for denial?

Judge Claude Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame): The most sexually fragmented character ever created by Disney. Don’t know him? Maybe you remember his voice as MegaByte from Reboot? Or even more obscure as Chairface Chippendale from The Tick (cartoon, not live action)? No? How about the voice of The Supreme Being from Time Bandits? He has a silky commanding voice and deserves better work than the crappy video games he’s been voicing lately. Who can forget his passionate song to a flaming fireplace as he tries to deal with lust and his piousness? While not gay, certainly he was repressed.

Sir Hiss (Robin Hood): Not so much Brit Evil than creepy smarmy sounding snake. With a lisp. And check out that penile head!

Gaston (Beauty and the Beast): No British accent but he is egotistical, narcissistic, body conscious, proud of his hairy chest, mentions his many hunting conquests and reveres his ability to spit. Can you say overcompensation?

Captain Hook (Peter Pan): Fresh cabin boy, anyone?

The Women: In the Disney universe, female villains are either skeletally emaciated or extremely fat, but most certainly are always Vamps, in the post-war, VD spreading way. Definitely Tramps. Their voices may not be played by British actors or have that Eton taught quality, but there is a throaty, gutteral and husky quality to their voice. I suspect these characters are played this way to entice underdeveloped fears of sexually from immature male children, confusing the crap out of them and making them squirm in their theatre seats. The Disney Female Villain (DFV) is always manic and prone to violent mood swings, going from sultry seductress to exploding volcano, swatting their henchmen with solidly placed firebolts or back hands, in seconds. Their make up is extreme, verging into scary clown effect. Their clothes are always ill fitting, either too loose to give a glimpse of side boob (Yzma, played by Ertha Kitt, in The Emperor’s New Groove) or too tight (Ursula, The Little Mermaid) to offer more curvaceous visuals.

The average DFV is overtly sexual:

The Witch (Snow White): A fine start to all of Disney’s villains by creating this rather anti-Christian device of black magic. As a large hag, her eyes are puffy and downright scary. In her true form, she looks down upon all with her half closed, painted lids. She�s the aunt that doesn�t approve of your birth.

Malificent (Sleeping Beauty) and Lady Tremaine (Cinderella): Joan Crawford was obviously the model for these two villainesses! What is it with everyone fearing large shoulders, smoldering eyes and wicked lips? In the end Malificent is run through with a sword while she’s a dragon. I will just shake my head at the sexual imagery here. Lady T was always looking at Cinderella’s buttkus as she cleaned floors.

Ursula (Little Mermaid): Fat. Pat Carrol. Shakes rump a lot. Fearsome.

Madame Mim (Sword In the Stone): I chose her because she’s prime cross over material: British accent AND a woman. Actually Martha Wentworth was born in NYC but she did a great job with the voice. Boastful and a poor dresser.

Cruella de Ville (101 Dalmations, etc): As I mentioned, her frail skinny body kept under layers of furs and loose fitting cocktail dresses is pure Die G�tterd�mmerung harpy sans wings. She came across like she had just polished off a 5th of gin and that would make any Al Anon kid nervous.

To sum up, Villains from Disney are designed for us to hate them for the following didactic reasons: they get our ire by their pompous, overbearing, authority-hating accent and a vague sexual fear, either by grating against our orientation or by confusing us with unleashed passions.