Hey Kids! Shelly here!

Okay so the Terminator shows up and then he’s all like “Who am I?” and the creepy guy from The Usual Suspects is all like “I’m still your dad.” And then Voldermort convinces Shindler that he’s got a plan to make their little action figures to like them again while they’re playing real-time Katamari Damancy. Liberace says, “Yeah let’s trust the bitter and evil guy, even if he’s my bro.” And Dr Bashir says “No way!”

But Qui Gon says, “Yes way!” but sends the Terminator guy a lightsaber in the form of fatherly gifts even though he’s going to fuck up the plan he just said “Okay lets do it!” to.

Meanwhile the city of Argus is all like “Holy Shit! Gods are suck!” and then Voldermort shows up and is all like “Chicka waaa?” and they’re like “Oh shit, no way!” and he’s all “Tough tit. This one who defended us is dead meat. I’m sending in Cloverfield.”

So I’m Not A Terminator Guy thinks he can stop the whole thing ’cause he’s a demitasse or something but he doesn’t believe it yet he thinks he can kill a god and they send him and a bunch of other guys (Billy Connolly, Zach Galifianakis, Father Guido Sarducci, The Rock, and some Red Shirts) and they go to the lair of The Pans Labyrinth ladies to see if they can stop the 20 Million Miles to Earth monster and on the way they meet up with some wooden Transformers that have the bluest eyes ever. But they’re made of wood. And they ride motherfucking scorpions, dude!

At the lair of the Pans Labyrinth ladies, they learn that if they get the head of Uma Thurman, they can turn anything into stone. They go there, lose 99% of their party but “I See You- but not directly” Avatar dude gets the head of Christy Brinkley (circa 1988) and the the TerminatorAvatar Guy gets on National Velvet and flies back to Argus to defeat the Cloverfield and they wind up with the most shittiest harbour ever.

The end.

Seriously, not as bad as I expected. If you’re a Clash of the Titans purist, then you’re going to be disappointed (and if you are a CotT purist, then you’re a mouth breathing shut in. The original was crap except the stop motion stuff). I thought it was a good updating on what was a rickety house of cards.

3.5 bolts of lightning out of 5!