Author Archives: Dead Robot

Headed Down

Travel 6 Replies

…Under That is!

Yesterday, in the middle of my day, my boss calls me into the boardroom for a private discussion. She tosses down a printed itinerary that I had put up onto our company website designed only for travel agents. Free trips that have agents view and tour the experiences they sell. They’re called “Familiars” or “Fams” for short.

The tour had AUSTRALIA pasted across the front.

“I got you on this Fam,” she says.

I stare. I blink. I look back up at her.

“Yes, free. No charge. Hotels and flights. You’ll probably buy 2 or three meals total for the nine days you’re gone.”

“Can I bring…”

“No sorry. Only one.”

“Does this go towards my vacation days?”

And with that, I’m signed in to spend 9 days downunder.

So now, for the next two weeks, I am running around like a drag queen who’s on stage in 5 minutes and has forgotten her lipstick at home. Amongst all the planning and packing, I have to remember to keep the excitement down because I know SharkBoy is a touch bit jealous. Or he’s happy he’s got the apartment to himself for 9 days. Or both. I worry that I’ll come home to empty Pizza boxes and a pile of laundry the size of Manhattan. Actually I think the challenge will be the dinners my mom wants to have with him while I’m gone: I jokingly said that SharkBoy can’t cook for himself and instantly my mom went into ITALIAN MOM MODE and insisted on a couple husband/in-law dinners. Ha!

In terms of actual travelling, the entire trip is less than business casual so I can skimp on luggage, but I am seriously not looking forward to the 14 hours on a plane. I’ve already had a flying nightmare, which means I have to book a short session with my doctor so I can get sleeping pills. I plan to be so sedated that B-List celebrities will look upon video of me sleeping and say “Damn…”

Don’t think I’ll be lounging by some pool the entire time, no. Nothing is for free. No I will have to sample wines and cheeses and hold koalas and sand ski and you know, sample some nightlife too. It will be hell. (Actually I will be taking a crapload of pictures for the company image library and posting a couple entries to the Facebook page). Here’s my itinerary:

Leave LAX Thursday night, lose a day over the ocean.
Land in Sydney, transfer to Adelaide and arrive Saturday morning. Instantly start touring the city from 10am to 5pm. Lots to see, like the North Terrace, Glenelg and a cathedral so keep up!
Sunday: Fly to Kangaroo Island. Big BBQ and a tour of Seal Bay. Hug a seal, a koala, get treated for chlamydia.
Monday: Something mysteriously called “Remarkably Wild Kangaroo Island Tour” and then back to Adelaide at the end of the day.
Tuesday: Fly into Sydney, board a bus and head up to Hunter Valley. Wine tours!
Wednesday: More wine tours and one chocolatiers. Weep for me. Then we head over to Port Stephens.
Thursday: We tour the dunes (40 metre dunes? Weee!) and then a “MoonShadow” cruise where we have an excellent chance of seeing dolphins. Then head back to Sydney
Friday: City and Beaches tour. A workshop that afternoon and then the rest of the day is mine to bugger.
Saturday: Get on a plane at 10am, come home. Gain my day back. Arrive in LAX at 6am the same day. Toronto some 6+ hours later. Ugh.

But I think it’s going to be worth it.

Checking data plans and I’m gobsmacked. 75M data on the Rogers network costs $225. Consider that a good sized photo is around 1.5M, I’d burn through that in seconds. Looks like I’m sniffing out Starbucks or I’m unlocking my phone for a SIM card…

God I have to calm down!!

You Like to Watch – The 6 Best People Watching Spots at Disney

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This sounds like a no brainer, right? Watching people in one of the most crowded places in the northern hemisphere should be easy. Stop. Look. Done. But you can do it in style and/or in comfort. And here’s where I take you to some of the best spots within The World. Hold my hand! Weee!

6. Downtown Disney. Back when Pleasure Island was a tight knit group of nightclubs, sitting on the sidelines at night was a great place to watch people behave badly within the World. Now, with the clubs closed due to escalating violence (See? See??) DTD isn’t much of a party. However, there is one fantastic pressure point around DTD that when pushed, creates explosive drama: I’m talking about money! Sit near the Legoland shop and see the tears flow as parents pull kids away from the vats of bricks. Sit near the Disney Vacation Club kiosks and see adults argue about just how much points they can afford. Sit over by the Christmas Shop and watch people recall horrid holiday meltdowns. One other plus about this place is that it’s full of Florida locals too, since there’s no cover to get in. And if you’ve ever watched 10 minutes of local Orlando news, you know the heat makes you do/wear crazy things.

Perfectly Perfect5. Epcot: The Pavilions. Literally any place you stand or sit within the World Showcase area of EPCOT will provide you with a merry-go-round of people and their wonderful emotions. Areas of note: Mexico and Germany are more “drinky” than most spots so if you’re hanging out there, you’re going to see some hot messes, especially if it’s warm out and the $15 tequila shots are flowing! The gardens outside France, nearer to the bridge is a nice place to sit – it’s a bit of a bottle neck from England on to the other pavilions, and offers some nice tree shade.

4. Behind the Castle. People stream through Sleeping Beauty’s Castle constantly – it’s a rite of passage (ha!). But if you’ve just walked through the castle from the hub, hang a left and plop yourself near Cinderella’s fountain. If you’re lucky you’ll see the Three Ugly Sisters with Lady Tremaine, who schtick I could watch for hours. Also, you get to judge the tiny princesses coming out of the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique. “Oh honey… this ain’t Toddlers and Tiaras.”

Chug chug3. Atop the Liberty Belle. Be first in line for the riverboat, claw your way up the stairs and plant yourself on the top deck, centre, for fantastic human views. You’ll slowly pass people devouring turkey legs and greeting characters (which is another post…). As the ride passes Big Thunder Mountain, try to get people to wave at you. My fave new park pastime is getting photos of people’s faces on rides. The Liberty Belle offers a fantastic spot where you’re nearly level with the roller coaster, right after they hit a hair pin turn. After that, sit and relax for the rest of the ride. SEE VIDEO BELOW!

2. Writer’s Stop. Tucked in between the Sci-Fi Dine In Theater and the narrow walkway onto the Streets of America, there is a small coffee shop called the Writer’s Stop cafe. It’s so small (and up some stairs if you’re coming from the SoA side) that most people miss it as they’re zipping by. Grab yourself a carrot cake cookie (Cream cheese filling? OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!) and sit in the narrow window in the front. Watch people try to get reservations at the Sci Fi Diner (that’s another post…) or try to figure out where the hell they are in the park. That corner seems to be spot where people get lost (that’s another post…). It’s also possible to see random Star Wars characters wandering too and fro. As SharkBoy says: Chibooki!

Castle view from the Tomorrowland Transportation Authority1. Tomorrowland Transit Authority. Some would say the lamest ride ever. But I say it’s the best 20 minutes of fantastic bald patch counting in the entire world. The ride is high up above the crowd so your judgmental gaze is literally unseen and you’re whisked past some awesome people rest spots, like the toilets outside Space Mountain. Mark my words, I’ve seem some awesome melt downs there (that’s another post…).

Honorable Mention: Disneyland. I don’t talk about DL much because I’ve only been there twice but know that there are two rocking chairs on a porch midway along Main Street USA. Get there early, grab a muffin and a tea and watch the people stumble over the trolley tracks to get to Star Tours first. You’ll be glad you did.

UPDATE! I forgot my husband did a fantastic video of the Liberty Belle:

The Dot and the Line

Art, You Magnificent Bastard 1 Reply

I had this teacher at Sheridan College, back in the 80s, who would teach us a design class as part of the Classical Animation program. He was the text book version of uncool. Not like the fun, goofy other teachers who would show us cartoons in class and make us laugh and try to win us over with comedy. No this guy was a hard ass – all business and hard truths about art. He was trying to teach us that there is structure in the world for a reason and when you learn that structure, then you have license to fuck with it. Like jazz. But with crayons.

At the time I remember hating him more than I can say. His style of teaching was boring and dry. He would often talk over our heads with lofty concepts and angry art rants and would seemingly be wasting our time. Oh the impatience of youth.

One day he requested a drawing from us that required some degree of interest. I can’t remember what I drew but it was all rigid lines and angles. When I showed it to him he asked: “Do you think a straight line is interesting?”

I had never given it any thought.

“If you think a straight line is interesting you’re very boring.”

I had thought about punching him in the face at that moment.

“Go watch The Dot and The Line by Chuck Jones and then tell me if a straight line is interesting.”

It’s possibly the greatest lesson in art I’ve ever got. So much so, his is the only definitive moment I can recall in any class in the three years I was there. Sure I remember my lessons and the results but that moment will always be front and centre, especially when I pick up a pencil to draw.

I’m mad that I spent most of his class in a teen-age apathetic funk. I’d give anything to time-travel back to my old self and tell myself to stop being such an idiot and listen.

Package from Home

Travel Leave a reply

London, 1986, Earls Court

With the package in hand, I walk up the three flights to our one bedroom flat, shared between the 5 of us (three in the living room, the Sisters in the only room in the back). We’re thrown into this apartment by pure luck: all living here on a Working Holiday Visa, coming from various parts of Canada, with various “first time away from home” experiences. Some of us discovering that being away from home isn’t as glamorous as first envisioned when we held the pamphlets in our hands.

I mention that because I’m at the end of my patience with one of the girls I’m sharing the living room floor with. She’s been crying herself to sleep since she and her friend, Melanie, arrived at the apartment a week ago – their first time ever being away from Halifax. Each night Melanie holds her, rocking her to sleep, telling her that the next day will be fun and she’ll forget about her homesickness. She was my pull from the SWAP office and I feel angry for my poor choice in roommates, but also envious. I wish I had someone to rock me to sleep.

The flat is like an ever evolving germ, observed in a petri dish. Someone a million years ago stood at the front of the Student Work Abroad Program orientation day seminar and offered space to crash out on the floor, incredibly cheap. As people came and went, trips back to the SWAP orientation day were made to pull new roommates from the constant flow of arrivals. When you first land in London on the SWAP program you’re given two free nights in a hostel and then boom – you’re on your own. If you have the money, you can stick around in the hostel until you find a job and a flat and you start living in London. Or until that runs out. If you want to save your money, you find a flat share as fast as you can. At the end of the orientation one of The Sisters, her turn to pull someone, stood at the front of the room and asked if anyone was looking for a place to live. My hand shot up and we made eye contact. I got a corner of the living room floor that day.

I put the parcel down on the kitchen table. Melanie is with me, dancing in excitement, revealing to me that she’s terribly homesick. Not as homesick as her friend that she consoles to sleep every night, but the role of nursemaid seems to be taking it’s toll on her.

I knife the box open. Inside is a nice hand-written note from my father, saying how much he misses me, the dog misses me, the car misses me, his boyfriend … is ok. And beneath that: 6 pristine Kraft Dinner boxes.

Cha-ching!

Immediately Melanie has a £5 in my face asking for two. In 1986, £5 = $11.25. She was willing to pay over $5 for a $0.50 taste of home. I gladly sold her the two, now having drinking money for at least a night in my pocket.

Expats can get North American comfort food in London, easy. If you have the money. Harrods sells the “Family Value Box” of Kraft Dinner (the kind with the tin of cheese sauce, not the powder) in their “International” food court, but it runs about $16 a box. Eventually word got out via the Canadian Black Market and I made about £25 on the package.

 

The Top 10 Dead Zones of Walt Disney World

Disney Leave a reply

A few weeks back I read a post on a Disney forum from a woman asking where in The World a nice private place to propose to her girlfriend would be. There were some good responses (mine’s below) and that got me to thinking: WDW boasts that they have more land than they know what to do with, so where are the most under used bits within all the parks?

I want to share with you some of the more vapid areas of the beloved World: places that might not be the busiest they could be. Not necessarily un-fun, just unpopulated.

10. The dock between Sleeping Beauty’s Castle and Tomorrowland. If’ you’re standing in front of the castle, at “2:oo” there is a spoke that runs out into the back ends of Fantasyland and Tomorrowland. There is a little path that leads down to a covered “dock” where very few people venture to (see illustration). However, the last time SharkBoy and I were there, we saw about 30 Brazilians napping under the awning. Weird. But endearing!

9. The back end of Camp MinnieMickey. Walk into the camp, past Pocahontas Story Time theatre, past the Lion King theatre and its exit, you’ll find a nice quiet area near the queues for the Mickey/Minnie/Goofy character greets. So quiet is this area that you can grab a nap or make a private call. They do have a wandering minstrel who sings improvised camp songs on a wireless headset, so the place does get a bit sing-y every so often, but for the most part, it’s a nice landscaped area to enjoy a quiet moment.

8. Paths beside The Tree of Life. The snakey paths in and around the Tree of Life at Animal Kingdom do offer some privacy from time to time. The paths are excellent short cuts to Africa if you want to by-pass Asia or get right to Camp MinnieMickey from the entrance or a great way to get lost trying to get to “It’s Tough to be a Bug”. So you will see people on the paths but they’ll be rushing past for the most part. Take a moment and look up at the tree and revel in the fact that you’re looking at an old decommissioned Mexican oil rig covered in slooshy cement animals.

7. The exit of Dinosaur. As you exit Dinosaur there is a very large underused dinosaur garden in and around the ride. Sure there’s kids mindlessly running around roaring like long lost reptiles, but they clear out fast when the parents realize they need to move on to the next thing. Also, there is a great set of underused water fountains there that I suspect is 90% kid slobber free. Drink up!

6. Streets of America. I mentioned this in the last numbers game, but I have to say again that the area near the San Fransisco mural, near the Singing In the Rain photo op, is possibly the only quiet area in all of Hollywood Studios. Unfortunately it’s not the prettiest. Just some billboards for ABC shows or upcoming features in the park.

5. Most areas between country pavilions, EPCOT. There is about a 5 to 10m “dead zone” between each pavilion in Epcot, put there to ease the transitions between countries. Some have character greets stationed there, some are smoking sections and a couple have inviting benches. On the opposite side of the walkway, lake side, there are always spots for you to hold up and watch the ducks swim by. Nearer to Italy, there is an area with faux gondolas and a small dock/bridge that goes out over the water. It’s away from most of the crowd and has a great view of the lake.

4. Morocco. This pavilion is a maze.  when you enter, just to your left, is a small exhibit of Moroccan clothing within a “typical” house courtyard. Follow that around and you will come across a Fez shop and a very popular restaurant. Search out the Aladdin photo op background and if there’s no characters, you can actually plop yourself down on the pillows and enjoy a moment to yourself.

3. The boat docks on any Seven Seas Lagoon hotel. There may be one or two adventurous families waiting with you on these docks, burnt out from taking the Monorail around the loop to get to Magic Kingdom, but for the most part, the boat service is greatly under utilized with the Deluxe hotels. They are a bit far and few between, you might be waiting for a little while to catch a boat, but if you’re in no rush, it’s a great, mellow way to get to the park. Take a moment to do a panoramic turn and see just how much land Disney owns…

2. The Wonders of Life, EPCOT. Shut in 2001, this pavilion behind Universe of Energy seems to have been doomed from the start. Wonders of Life was the first pavilion to get a thrill ride installed (Body Wars, long since gone) but it lost its sponsor and started a slow journey into obscurity. Disney tried to pump some action into it with a fat-shaming exhibit that was taken away as quickly as it was announced – apparently the tone was too harsh for some child-rearing critic. The pavilion is used for the home base for rotating functions like the Flower and Garden show or the Food and Wine show, but mostly it just stands behind Mission: Space unused, gathering dust. However the landscape is still kept up so that makes it a great place to chill out away from the NASCAR families running to Test Track.

1. The two rocking chairs just below Fort Langhorn, on Tom Sawyer Island. This was my suggestion to the lesbian couple mentioned at the top of the post. Over on Tom Sawyer Island, there are lots of spots to sit and relax. For example, where they park the Liberty Bell when not in use was going to be a small restaurant/snack bar with ample seating area, now only populated with rocking chairs that look out onto the Haunted Mansion queue. But that’s not the spot. If you walk towards Fort Langhorn, and keep to the left of the structure, you will find a small path that leads to a dock with just two rocking chairs on it, overlooking the more curvacious run of Big Thunder Mountain. SharkBoy and I found these chairs and sat for a spell. It was one of those quiet spots within the World, amongst the crazy, the crowds, the loud, where you can actually clearly hear an uncredited Imagineer say “You’re Welcome!”