BigSabu over on Twitter posted a curious job opening a couple days ago:

A Seasoned Explorer
NCsoft is looking for an experienced and daring adventurer to act as consultant for our Carbine Studios team on their top-secret project.

To be considered, the candidate must have:

·         Excellent cartography skills, especially on newly-discovered terrain

·         A healthy appetite for danger (or at least the desire to actively seek it out)

·         The ability to outrun something the size of a bear – or larger. Usually larger.

·         Experience being cryogenically frozen (This is a big plus).

Daily responsibilities include dramatically posing on mountaintops for snapshots, showing coworkers how to read maps, and motion capture sessions of being attacked by something the size of a bear (if you’re lucky).

So I went ahead and applied:

Good day to you Gentle Sirs and Ladies,

I am applying for the position of Seasoned Explorer listed on your internet web site. Look no further for I am the man who will lead you to fun and excitement and brand new worlds!

While I have extensive knowledge of map reading I know more than just to “Go left” when introduced to new terrain. You see, exploring new lands is like charming a fresh lover… a gentle hand, keen eye and a do-or-die attitude is needed to conquer foreign and dangerous mounds of land things. I have that experience and attitude.

Once, while leading an exploratory team into the long forgotten sunken caves of Soktuy-Milozan (you could lazily Google Maps that or I COULD SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS!) I became so turned around I had to rely on my own inner ear juice to survive. However with careful reasoning, a strong hand and fantastic jodhpur pants I was able to lead our party of Samantha Perkins Sewing Bee to safety. 30 Helens agree: I was a hero.

In terms of speed, I can outrun a swarm of killer bees. Just ask Michael Cane. I was his stand-in during the shooting of The Swarm. The director nearly dropped that hack actor to use me as their leading man but due to legal contracting they begrudgingly used Caine. And we all know how well that movie did with him at the helm. Fff!! Speaking of speed, it’s super important to have speed when considering a Seasoned Explorer – you need to be one step ahead of the competition or those bastards at “East Indian Exploration and Commerce” Company will outwit you on every turn. Bloody devils had me in a bit of a run on the Orient Express during the Adventure of the Misspelt Yetti. I had to pay off a baggage handler to dump their kit into a river. I WON!

In terms of being cryogenically frozen, I am your man. I’m from Canada. My skin is pretty much like a fine leather couch found in Starbucks. ‘Nuff said.

In conclusion, I am your man. That’s all I’ll say about that because time is of the essence. We need to move quickly or else the Ice Panthers of Tsuratuy (don’t look it up, let me take you!) will be raiding the base camp and we’ll have to sleep in the cold!

 

With affection

Sir Edward (Teddington) Healey

Wish me luck!