Lately I’ve been scouring the innernetz for reviews on Explorer of the Sea, the ship we’ll be on in Feb 2010 for 12 days. What I’m finding is that a lot of people out there can’t express their opinions without some kind of gripe. That and The English hate cruising with people from New Jersey.

This review of a couple’s trip aboard the same ship reads like a play synopsis by Chekov (the dead boring writer, not the cool Star Trek guy). If you spend the time reading it (it’s long and oddly detailed), please do so in a Betty Draper, bored housewife nasal twang. Gems like this will become hillarious:

4:30pm was the Muster drill in the Maharajas Lounged. It was packed in there. It lasted until about 5pm and was very crowded trying to leave when the Muster Drill ended. We started sailing away while we were in the Muster Drill.

5pm We went back to our room to watch the sail away from our balcony.

I finished unpacking. I was shocked because I was able to find space for everything and we both are big over-packers. The suitcases/bags all fit under the bed.

Around 5:45pm maintenance came about the safe and fixed it He also looked at the metal shower shelf, tightened the screw a little and said he would tell someone else about that.

I was debating whether or not to get the soda card. I don’t really like fountain soda so didn’t know if I would really get much use out of it. I decided against it after all.

I can imagine their dinner conversation consists of pointing out other people’s clothes and what they’ll eat within the next hour:

We stayed in our formal outfits for the evening. We didn’t see many tuxes – maybe one or two.

We wanted to take a peek at the dinner offerings in the Windjammer just because we’ve never done dinner there. We wandered through. They had most of the entrees from the dining room available (but no Grand Marnier soufflé). The Jade section had sushi so Paul took a few pieces.

9pm Showtime. There were various songs from different Broadway shows. Paul fell asleep during the show.

The end of the review mirrors the end of their relationship:

After dinner Paul and I went back to the Casino. I played Let it Ride at the table. Paul played poker. I was having fun so didn’t go to the 9pm Vibeology Show. I found out that the later show is at 10:45.

10:30 I went up to the cabin to change out of my formal clothes.

10:45 I watched the Vibeology show. It was OK.

12:30 I got a slice of pizza at the promenade and went upstairs. Paul came up to change out of his suit. We had pizza together.

We played a game of mini golf. The course was pretty beat up.

I did a little packing.

We ordered a snack from room service – cheese & crackers, fruit, pizza, and cookies. We gave the guy who delivered it a $5 tip.

After our snack Paul headed down to the casino.

3pm We went to watch the Karaoke finals. The woman that won was fantastic. She was a better singer than some of the performers in the shows.

I know cruises get a bad rap since they’re seen as fat, old people barges and her review doesn’t assist on dispelling that myth. I know SharkBoy and I are going to have much more fun than her.