Okay listen up people. I am completely sick of the influx of “gold for cash” commercials on TV these days. Toronto television is beset with these low budget commercials depicting shady looking people urging you to come to their strip-mall outlets with your family memories in hand to get rich quick.
The commercial for “Jewellery For Cash” (original, eh?) has an obese bald dude getting out of an 80’s Ferrari in front of his second story walk up store front, emblazoned with “Cash for Gold” neon in the windows, while the voice over proudly offers loans up to (and I shit you not) “$1,000,000”. Okay first off, if they can offer that much, why are they in a commercial row-house, second floor office? Security for all that cash, I guess. And secondly, you’d think this guy could afford a tailor instead of a Sears XXXL t-shirt. By the way, isn’t it illegal to carry more than $100K out in public? How’s he going to get you $1M in cash? Under his shirt?
Second up was Sharkboy’s favorite, is Harold the Jewelry Buyer, where people gleefully confess their greedy desires after selling off their heritage to this dirty nailed, greasy midget. “I love my new TV!” shouts a gap toothed couch potato (it’s small). “We’re going on a cruise!” bellow a lonely housewife as her partner dances in an ugly Hawaiian shirt behind her. And the best scene: a bag laidened shopper is videoed in front of some mall stairway as she does the most awkward dance ever, while lamely shouting “Woo hoo.” I can only describe the lameness of it by saying imagine Rida Rutner cheering and dancing. I’m sorry there’s no video to accompany this one because the best line (probably delivered by Harold’s off-the-boat Romanian mom) is “It was so easy. Now I’m ready to shop!” with “shop” coming out as “chop”, evoking zombie fantasies.
Third up is Buster’s Brampton where judging by the utter tounge-in-cheek directorial wetnoodleness of this video, the next budding Judd Apatow/Kevin Smith is probably brewing right now. Slovenly, fat clerks promise “Maximum Cash!” at the tops of their lungs as their guts flap in the breeze. Watch the chubby guy on the right at the beginning of this clip – he’s wishing there was a snack truck on this shoot:
Of course, I can’t mention awful gold commercials without a nod to the grand daddy of Cash For Jewelry hucksters: Russel Oliver. To be fair, he’s got to be the most creative. Even after DC Comics tried to sue his ass out of existence for using a Superman costume and calling himself The Cashman in one of his commercial, he still manages to churn them out. If he’s not pedophilically scaring Halloween kids (he dumps money into their treat bags) then he’s dancing with Ho’s. Truly he is the Michael Bay of Cash For Gold commercials. Not to mention topical: he pulled this commercial just days after Diana died:
And finally, my current fave: Oren. So casual he doesn’t need a tie. So suave the ladies gush as they hand over their belongings. So sure he’ll give you the best price he leaves his shirt dangerously unbuttoned like it was the 70s. I love how he watches the cougar leave his store with a leer frozen across his unshaven face and akimbo stance that says “I’ll see you later, ladies! Ka-chow!”. I made a remix of the part that makes SharkBoy sit up and take notice:
13 thoughts on “Gold Is At An All Time High”
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I actually liked the stripper one. The flip phone and reference to the flip phone was very The Soup.
Yeah, some channels here in the states are nothing but pawnshop commercials…altho we don’t have anything quite as bad as the Princess Di one.
The other big one is for a flooring company called Luna…I have no idea where they get their actresses from, but I’m pretty sure it’s either a strip club, relatives of the owner, or both. For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoN5dOnNlkg
^Strip Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P_L-KyRYCI
^Relative with the biggest nose I’ve ever seen
Russel O will take fillings!
I haven’t seen the specific commercials that you’re referring to, but we have similar ones up in my neck of the woods that are constantly running – and they are just as frightening.
I can honestly say that I’ve never had a singe piece of ‘extra’ gold sitting around my house that I’ve needed to get rid of.
Craziness.
get a real job, nancy, or the same bus i park on that miserable gremlin russel oliver’s face i’ll also park on yours.
I smell an extremely well written spam.
When I decided to sell some gold and silver I had, I did some research and found out how little pawn shops and jewelers pay. Then I also researched “gold parties” and hotel “buying events” and found out what a scam they are. Of course, there are a lot of mail in companies that are horrible… like the “as seen on tv” guys. However, after a lot of searching I found a company that not only pays much more than anyone else I could find, but they post the prices they pay right up front on a live chart on their website at SilverAndGoldExchange dot com. The Silver and Gold Exchange was the only company I felt comfortable dealing with and of course I wanted to get the most money possible. They have a perfect Better Business Bureau report with no complaints at all, so that helped me make my decision. I can recommend them 100%
Who?
Russell O. used to go to Bloor Valley club circa when you did.
I like the woman eyeing up her husband’s Rolex in Harold the Jewelry buyers add.
Are these people crazy??? Gold is the new hot metallic right now!!!
It’s a small price to pay to live in the cultural centre of the universe.
These commercials are the WORST> I’;ve been noticing more and more lately. The Oliver’s Jewlers with the backup dancers and the wigs that wiggle when they dance is my favorite.