My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

Why don’t the advertisers of paper towels use cat barf as their “blue liquid” example? I’d buy that product if they showed that none of the kitty bile seeped through.

Why do I forget myself when wearing headphones and fart like a sailor? Usually when walking down the street with someone right behind me?

When you’re the most angry and trying to make a point, you will create a cute snot bubble over your nostril.

When you are the sickest, that is when video store clerks insist on talking to you.

You are the most vulnerable to winding up on YouTube while singing, picking or ranting like a rehab celebrity (or all three at once).

Certificates are really nothing but pieces of paper saying you’ve experienced pain, loss or boredom.

Early adopters inevitably will be seen as dorks. And inevitably that contempt will be forgotten when the product becomes mainstay.

Risk management is an oxymoron.

Koalas wouldn’t be perceived as “cute” if they had access to machetes.

Health food stores usually aren’t.

I’m frightened to touch most of the stuff way behind in the back of our under the sink counter. I fear that crap will melt my hand EXACTLY like those 70s warning labels.