Hello and welcome! Tonight’s top stories:

Dress to Impress
Mr Breaky Still Rampant
The Tell Tale Staff
Toller Cranston Cybex
Daddy’s Little Bird

Dress to Impress
It seems that Mr Blackwell hasn’t done a stint at the Downtown Y to see all the worst dressed fitness freaks, but I will do nicely. Notice the woman of library matronly manner, wearing a knitted baby blue sweater replete with crocheted roses in a lovely arch across her bosom, scruntching oh so fashionly as she does her seated Lat Pulls. See the lovely streetwear boots revealed as her slacks (yes slacks, not sweatpants for this fashion plate) ride up over her ankles as she straddles the cycling equipment. Daring! Darling!

Mr Breaky Still Rampant
Dispite larger signs in the sauna proclaiming the demise of the heating unit if one was to put “water on the rocks” Mr Breaky still douses the rocks with a wet towel he steals out of the used towel bin (ew. simply ew) and soaks in the showers before his sauna visits. I realize that I may be obsessing with Mr Breaky but his fate as possibly the most hated person I have never confronted was sealed when, while discussing his up coming property taxes assesment to whoever would listen to him in the sauna, he unjokingly said “There’s something unethical about paying taxes”. Recently I’ve spied him shaving in the sauna too, the “no Shaving” proudly ignored on the sauna door. This man is a blight. Have I complained? You bet! Which leads us into…

The Tell Tale Staff
See the porky man over there on the treadmill? The guy on the ‘mill that’s raised to maximum incline and jacked up to Olympic gold medal sprint speeds? Yeah the man who is hanging on for dear life and is on such a worrysome angle that my inner voice screams “LAWSUIT IN THE MAKING”. I wonder why he thinks that if he’s running real fast, yet cheating by gripping the loosening control panel, it’s good for him, at any costs. Along comes a Red Shirt Y staff to scold him! Oh wait, no. The Red Shirt is scolding the other visibly healthy guy running at a controlled speed because he’s making a loudish noise the way his feet are hitting the treadmill. And spy the woman on the Eliptical machine, chugging along like she’s in a K-hole filled with molasses! Wow she’s certainly working out. Oh wait. She deliberately didn’t turn on the machine because she wanted the resistance. Wow. That’s edgy! So is replacing a stripped, slipping Eliptical machine motor, ruined by misuse. Why aren’t the staff doing anything about this? They certainly have time since they congregate over by the water fountain 90% of the time.

Toller Cranston Cybex
Maybe the ever dilligent staff will take better care of the new machines they rolled in as I was leaving today. Judging by the life sized poster of a rather bouffant-haired “hunk” in light blue spandex (not even sexually confused metrosexuals wear light blue spandex), we’re getting the latest in faux-reality based exercising. Rollerblading machines! It’s so Phillip K Dick, I’m dreaming of exercising!

Daddy’s Little Bird
Hey buddy! I’m sorry your wife isn’t here to help you look after your 3 year old daughter as you work out. Now I don’t care that you walk around naked in front of your kids at home. Good on ya! That’ll learn them to not hate their bodies so much. Maybe your kids will grow up to accept themselves as beautiful machines, not like the guys who insist on wearing their underwear in the showers (I didn’t need to see your skiddies, shyboy), but you know what? I really don’t want to be included in your social studies experiment. Get your fucking daughter out of the showers. Don’t bring her, put her in the individual private stalls or take her home stinky. Thanks!

This has been The Gym Report. Good night and good sweating!