If you’ve spent more than 20 min in a car with me then you know that it’s physically impossible for me just to “sit there” and not do anything. Our last rental car was equipped with OnStar and I SO DESPERATELY wanted to press that little blue button.
OnStar: This is OnStar, how can I be of service?
Me: Hi OnStar! Do you like what I’m wearing?
OnStar: OnStar, how may I help you?
Me: I think I’m being followed. Oh no, sorry it was a bird.
OnStar: Hello OnStar. How may I help you?
Me: (throaty, breathy) What are you wearing?
Or my favorite: Get OnStar to flash your lights (their parking lot locater service) and dance in front of the car like some bad 80s video.
“Did you find your car, Mr Robot?”
“Damn it! Keep flashing! …Dancing at the feet of the moon!!”
0 thoughts on “Hello OnStar?”
Thanks!
I’ve actually decided to take a serious crack at stand up, I’ve got enough clients and I’m not teaching till the spring so I can dedicate the time needed. I’ve also explained to my girlfriend that stand up means a lot of traveling and late nights:
“It’ll look like a bunch of arrested development unemployables are getting smashed in a strip club but it’s really networking!”
Earl grey tea, all over my monitor via my nose, thank you! Especially liked the KITT (of which your knowledge is quite scary) and “Talking Car!” ones.
OnStar: OnStar, how can I help you?
Me:Do you know of a nice italian restaurant around here?
OnStar: OnStar, how can I help you?
Me: I think my boyfriend is having an affair
OnStar: OnStar, how can I help you?
Me: Do you have a light?
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: So… you like stuff???
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: I had pants when I got into the car…
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: KITT! Call Devline have him get the Sheriff out to the old mill and tell him that we’re going to cut the smugglers off at the highway!
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: Activate submode! Submode! Sugurgling drowning noises
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: This hooker won’t take a cheque, can you tell her I’m good for it? Y’know what? Scratch that, tell me where the nearest Home Depot and desert is.
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs!
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: Ahh! Talking car! Burn it! Burn it!
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: British accentWhich side of the road do you drive on AHHHHHHHH! make smashing sound
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: I can’t pee, make sounds like Niagra Falls.
OnStar: Onstar, how can I help you?
Me: Did you ever wonder what kind of mistakes you made in life to end being a voice in a car?
Yeah, I’m swiping this premise for the stage.
Speaking of which, when are you back on stage, Salv?
Oh, I spat out my tea at the pants line…
Heee heeee heee